i'm so weird i can't i... argh i'm getting worse day by day, my weird fantasies, they're getting worse too. i used to be weirded out by arm sh but now i can't help but wish that i could destroy my arms, make them bleed! i want to stick a knife in my wrist and then drag the blade from there down to the crook of my arm. whenever i look at my wrist i admire how pale they are, how translucent the skin is. my veins... they look so blue. i like them but i just want to rip them out of my skin. like wires... MY ARMS!!!! I WANT TO DESTROY THEM but ahh ahh... my wrists.. they make me feel so squeamish. even right now! my wrist was pressed against my laptop because i was typing, but i had to move it because it felt weird. thats one of the reasons i dont cut my wrists and arms, too sensitive there.. i did cut my midriff before though. thats a sensitive place aswell. i stopped because i just liked cutting my legs more.

hehe. remember this blog entry? i knew it would get me in trouble. i didn't expect to get cyberbullied though. i'll go over how this all started and then explain everything that happened.

a few weeks ago, i got a weirdass comment saying "dont draw this ever again" and there was a reply under that, by our main character! they said "finally someone said it", basically agreeing. the drawing these 2 were upset about was toya with an extreme amount of cuts on his leg and knee. sure, its weird. did they have to say it like that though? i dont think so. i figured out that the person who commented was our main character's friend, which was pretty easy since they admitted it. i also ended up arguing with our MC, but they were just stubborn. turns out our dear MC is weirdly obsessed with me. they have a vid and some posts on their channel, targeted at me. isn't that a bit too much now..? anyway, it was something worth talking about so i made a blog. in that blog, i was nitpicking some bs that pmo about that person because i like talking shit and i also said A HORRIBLE thing. i said that i hope they get mauled by a dog... oh, how mean.. that's why i apparently deserve to be told to kms by multiple people and get spammed with terrible comments shitting on me AND also tagged in posts which are lying about me. yeah sure it was bad, i apologized. but they obviously just took that and ran with it. OBVIOUSLY i didnt fucking mean it, idiot.
everything was fine for two or more weeks until i got a weird copy pasta comment and another one by the same friend who told me to not draw sh ever again. OH what the hell is happening?! i thought. i hid both of them from my channel immediately. i thought the first person was just a bot and our MCs friend just made me mad. how dare you show your face on my channel again huh? i thought that was weird, but oh! that was just the start. i also got a comment on my site, mad at me because.. i don't want help?
they're referring to what i said in this blog.
"if you want to comment dont say stuff like 'i hope you get better' or 'pls dont die', youre making it worse" ... what is wrong with garando? not wanting to get better? how dare you not do what i want? oh and yeah it is most likely our dear MC because who else would comment this lol. also it's the way they type that tells me its them. anyway, i'll explain again why i don't like these kinds of comments. it makes me feel bad, it's like i am being told that i want to kill myself. which i do not. also? like, imagine being called ridiculous for not not wanting help omfg how delusional do you have to be to think you can just make someone change by telling them to get help (foreshadowing heh..)
and then! i get this nonsensical comment on a post where i was hating on my art, making the post caption "ugly bad disgusting". negative comment i guess. i didn't get it at first and ignored the fact that it had 5 likes but then took a second look later and... yeah. its basically shitting on me. guess who it is. our dear MC on an alt account! and those 5 likes? their cute little friends of course. this happened with every single hate comment i got in that wave btw. pathetic, lol. oh by the way if youre wondering how i know its our MC, i have a few ways to prove it but i wont point it out bc this person is fucking stupid and probably wants me to find them out. reminder that they made posts and a vid CLEARLY about me. what do you want? for me to comment? theres no way theyre THAT unaware of how obvious they are.
also their bio is even more pathetic
WHAT ARE YOU DOING LMFAOOO what was this even supposed to do to me? make me sad? im starting to think that they lied ab their age and are actually 12 years old. ive seen kids your age smarter than you by the way :3 or they just wanted another blog entry made on them, who knows. you better be HONORED to be mentioned here /j (since you cant take jokes ig)

so. next, im kinda upset but whatever. its evening, i finished a vid and posted it! but in the desc i wrote something like "do you also want me to die". one of my lovely subs made a comment responding to my desc and said no. and then! eheh.. then i KILLED MYSELF! just kidding. then i DIED! just.. kidding. first hate comment. telling me to die.
what does "lowkey a pred" even mean you're making the word lose it's meaning. we're just THROWING IT AROUND on people who draw so called "fetish art" like WHAT???? even if it was fetish art, how does that make me a child predator oh my fucking god, im not dming 10 year olds on discord.
"freaky stuff" ooh... i shuddered.. so corny... people still use this word in the big 2026 to describe porn?
i am not 17.
also, my "stupid" subs apparently requesting fetish art, that was literally just one person and it wasnt fucking fetish art. ill talk ab that drawing later.
also that whole comment is such a mess and is so hard to read that it leads me to think that this is a literal kid. maybe our dear MC is the pred here for being friends with kids. OOH but thats just a speculation. i dont mean it literally, okay? just a little joke, since you think its ok to call me one.
now. i decided to check our dear MC's account since they love posting about me. guess what hehee..! a post, clearly about me from a few days ago!

PLEASEEEEEE GODDDD LEAVE ME ALONE FUCKKKKK!!!!! get a life too when ur at that... and HOW DARE you use poor meiko for this bullshit 💔
first of all, WHERE did i lie about you? i worded some things weirdly at most. sure, but mind you, my english isn't the best. im fucking trilingual, obviously my vocab isn't going to be good. i also stopped reading books so im stupid ok.
second, the wishing death upon them, that's... that's the dog mauling thing i mentioned earlier. as i said, yeah it was bad. i think they're exaggerating though. what i said was "also that person used a shrug emoji on me which pissed me off more than it should have. im still mad about it. i hate the human emojis, especially the android ones. just for that i hope you get mauled by a dog" OBVIOUSLY i'm not being serious, i'm just shitting on them for an emoji, i'm being petty. OBVIOUSLY i wasn't THAT serious. why would you take it so seriously to the point of sending your friends to bully me? nvm ill stfu, they won't listen. also that "someone else" is their friend on their "troll acc" as they said in one of their posts.
guilt tripping. yeah i did. and i was making it obvious on purpose. that's how i am. wanna know what i did after the bullying happened..? WELL I BARELY ATE FOR A FEW DAYS AND STARTED CUTTING MY THIGHS NYAHAHAHAHA!!!! and i was scared to post for a few days i guess. hey im just guilt tripping you, its okay, you'll live. you don't feel guilt either, don't lie.
and lastly, no, please get over this. it's not that deep
NO, ALSO-?? CALL OUT?? ON QUOTEV?? LMFAOO i also never heard of quotev so whateverrrr

well, i went to sleep. at 3 am btw if you were interested in knowing that btw. i hoped that this was over and that i wouldn't wake up to flood of more hate comments. oh boy i jinxed myself so bad... not even 3 hours later i woke up and check yt just to see people telling me to kms and people tagging me in posts. HOLY shit that was the worst morning EVER. i. dont want to experience this ever again.

so first our dear main character. this thing. stupid comment. 9 likes from their friends, 1 from themselves probably. kinda stupid. yea i counted there are atleast 9 friend accounts involved excluding our dear MC. first of all, speak to me like a normal human being. i know im nitpicking but i just NEED to mention this. for fuck's sake STOP roleplaying as toya, you're corny. I'M SORRY???? WHY ARE YOU ALL FORMAL AND SHIT WITH ME BUT STILL SAYING IT LIKE A FUCKING BITCH? toya would never do this imo. oh but thats just a speculation! it doesnt have to be true. they're also a yumeshipper. look, yumeship all you want but it gets to a point. one of my friends is also a toya yumeshipper and she supports my art, she even commented and defended me in the comments. she wouldnt do this bs to anyone, shes normal about it. our dear MC is not. because apparently putting "non-sharing yumeshipper" in ur bio is a valid excuse to harass anyone u want that doesnt draw toya the way u like. oh no no no, im not saying im just drawing toya and that im innocent. absolutely not. ill explain myself later in the blog. anyway! argued with them over this.


told them to be careful what they comment. no harm? ahah? pfft...

ur not looking out for others. ur doing this out of selfish reasons

........??
i told them ik who they are. LMFAOO DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THIS WAS CONVINCING this person cant be older than 13 NO dude i swear 13 year olds are way smarter than this. oh god im insulting their intelligence.. WHO gives a fuck this person deserves it
you know. there is literally nobody else doing this than this person. everyone else was defending me and told them to scroll if they hate my art so much. like WHAT has to happen for this person to realize that nobody gaf? alsoooo did i mention that most of the people commenting were on alts? like accounts made minutes ago? lol. oh but someone risked their account of 2 years to comment! what a brave fella. anyways, i'll put all the harassment into a scrollbox.

besides the comments, there was also a person tagging me in posts. same person spammed my site guestbook. and they also attacked one of my subs bro how DARE you.
one last scrollbox. its just their friend's descs mentioning me. anyway next i decided to dm our dear MC on dc since they put their usename up for everyone. i. wrote alot in their dms. also their status HAD ME IN IT FUCKING TWICE??? get A FUCKING HOBBY. feel free to not believe me bc ppl these days can fake screenshots. you should be the one getting off the internet if ur harassing ppl over art. "no harm" but they proudly claim to be my hater. okay. also there are 2 more ppl besides me that makes me believe that i'm not the first victim. it could also be an inside joke, who knows. i also dont care. im not calling out some little bitch that NOBODY knows. id be better off calling out the person who traced my art ngl.
anyway. can you guess if i got a response? of course not. because our dear MC is a FUCKING PUSSY LMFAOOOO and you know what??? THEY GOT THEIR FRIEND TO DM ME INSTEAD. YEAH. LITERAL DEFINITION OF A PUSSY. apparently they

were overwhelmed and couldnt respond. ok. what about me? im the victim here, you dont get to feel like that. their friend tried lying to me a bit too, saying that MC was asleep or soemthing while this was happening. then when i called them out for lying they changed it up and said they werent fully aware of everything that was happening. dude dont even try or just stop being friends with those people. they were pretty mature though. the most mature of all these people in the situation actually. im glad they reached out.

so basically heres why im bad according to our dear MC
- drawing nsfw of minors bc i drew toya naked, with weird expressions or with akito - its suggestive at most, not fucking porn. and theres a thing called artistic nudity. not all nudity is sexual.
- drawing GORE of minors - it's not gore, i am not drawing anything graphic like guts and that stuff. also what do minors have to do with this? i just drew toya as a half skeleton or with his ribcage revealed. his insides are always empty, i never draw guts. its not gore. if i drew him bleeding, it was never too graphic. at most hes bleeding out on the floor, dying. because i felt like that. thats vent art. sorry, i chose to draw toya i guess.
- my sh art bad - its not my responsibility if some dumbass kid sees my art. also im not gonna bother putting tws, SOOOORRY! i already explained that in this blog. i am aware that im not doing the best thing here, but i really cant get myself to care.
- i sent our dear MC death threats - that's a lie made up by their friends

i wanted to list the bad stuff our dear MC did to me but that might just trigger them more so i wont.
sorry it took so long... this whole situation really demotivated me and i couldn't get myseld to continue writing this ughh its been like 2 weeks already since then. i most likely forgot to mention some things but whateverrr right also look at the lohen gifs hes so sexy right

my last resort is always guilt tripping. sorry, it often gets to my posts too. don't take me seriously. i'm just saying it, not actually thinking about it. "i wanna die" = "i feel extremely horrible and anxious" that's it. my vocab isnt the best so i tend to repeat what i feel like fits the best. its not always literal. ngl what is the point in living when i dont have you beside me? mh, whatever. i'm a guilt tripper and i'm baiting people all the time. how shitty of me. i'll try stopping. genuinely i need to stop talking and isolate myself from people again. yeah it hurts but who cares. exactly!!! no one. ... w-what the hell who made a long ass comment on my recent post... you weirdo, dont give me reasons to live... guys oh stop it obviously im not gonna die, i cant even cut myself with a knife. i did actually. like yesterday. hmm no it was midnight 1st june. first summer day and im doing this, wow. i hope this summer is super rainy. i cant wait for summer to go away. the MOMENT autumn starts im cutting my ankles again, i really miss doing that. i cant even cut my legs now because i gotta wear shorts. longer ones of course, im not wearing normal shorts ever again lmfao where do you think im cutting now? thighs of course. its a bit weird because i havent done that there much before and i have to get my skin used to it. my hand skin is either really thin or it just starts bleeding really easily idk. i cut it so much during winter that it just yeah. holding back from cutting my hand btu god THE URGE oh im TWEAKING!!! everytime i get just slightly upset im already skinning the back of my hand in my mind. i want to do it so bad because its the easiest and least painful spot, but its the worst one too because you use your hands every fucking day, everyone can see that. oh but im not quitting cutting my knees tho. that would be too much. you know that i cant stop anymore right? even when you come back i do it because it feels wrong to not do it anymore. i feel sick when i dont cut myself, oh how far ive fallen... i dont really care. summer is tha month of starving by tha way!! body goals i guess. anyways please stop telling me to not die. youre not really helping. youre making me think that i actually am suicidal, which im not and i never claimed to be. its really weird that people are assuming that. in this case im not talking ab those telling me not to die, rn im talking ab that one person who called me a fake self diagnosed depressed teen girl or something. okay i guess.. its weird how many people dare to leave a hate comment on my channel. maybe i am doing something wrong but whatever whatever. some bitch asked "what is wrong with you" today under one of my vids (one more isolation attempt and im killing myself) like ???? die??? and proceeded to change their pfp and user later?? and the pfp is RAINBOW DASH???? rainbow dash would not say that and youre probably larping the series because everyone else likes it you fucking cunt. i hid them from the channel btw lmfao do whatever u want bitch. oh i should shut the fuck up yeah yeah okay.
huhu. its almost been a month. time is running out. ill wait, its fine. i guess its fine. just how many times will this repeat..? one day you just wont come back will you? im scared... nh..
ive got 2 weeks left of school. i feel so bad for not making any videos. i feel like im wasting my 16s.. i AM wasting my 16s. thats why i feel like i should die sometimes. im so damn lazy waahhh... muu...
oh i pulled for blade today and actually got him in 20 pulls! then i got his lc in like... idk i got it pretty late. 70-80 im guessing? i didnt lose a single time!! AH!! i was wondering who i would save up for but i just remembered that aventurine is getting an sp!!! but thats a leak, shhh.. keep it to yourself hehe... next target, churin!!!! i also pulled for toya! hehe yeah 2 pulling sessions today. but sadly i didnt get him... wahh.. i got kohane though!!! so its okay. id prefer miku ngl bc her braids are usable in most oufits unlike kohanes hairstyle but on the other hand i'm lacking kohane 4* cards so its okay! hopefully i get an6 toya next month wahh... i really really want that card.. toya looks really beautiful in it. and so mischievous hehe...
anyway i brought a pocket knife w me last night to the shower. it cuts deep so easily, its scary. maybe thats why i was able to slightly make my hand bleed again in p.e. today. DONT tell me to join others in pingpong, im going to KILL YOU! YEA IM OVERREACTING FUCK YOU WHO CARES. one more p.e. next monday and its over oh my god. i think its getting cancelled this friday. oh yea anyways the knife umm i tried it before but i got scared and didnt dare to do more than a few weak cuts. this time though i went all out! that shit HURT when i was washing the blood off. i think i had to wash off more blood than usual.. makes sense? it hurt so much though.. i dont think ill use the pocket knife everyday. ugh im so weird for talking about this... i need to apologize to everyone ive spoken to from april up until now. i wont do it ever again. ill fuck off, im sorry. no one should be talking to me, i should just lock myself in my room and i dont know. im sorry for not putting out vids or good art these months. im sorry. ive got so many irl vids like going through my school doodles, but its been in my drafts since february. and the sketchbook vid oh my god. im sorry. i started feelign really sick of my voice, self and everything. the vids are almost a year old now hahah.. whatever. ive got more vids.. my moe laptop... and my anim wips... i have given up on so many drawings. i always tell myself ill have time at school but then i completely forget ab it because im a literal walking corpse there considering i get 3 hours of sleep. im sorry for not putting out as much trad art. i used to draw so much but highschool demotivated me so much.. including your absence! it killed me even. im not gonna die, im already dead. love is a deadly disease.

umm if you want to comment dont say stuff like "i hope you get better" or "pls dont die", youre making it worse. just praise me! i like getting praised and i like compliments!!

Oh Toya! My lovely boy... I've been inlove with you for almost 2 years now. Since then, you've been apart of my life every single day. There is not a single day during that while where i didn't look at you or think about you. This is almost the same with drawing you, it's just that i sometimes get sick and don't feel like drawing. But! 90% of my art now is just Toya, so.

I have no idea how i started liking Toya, but I did and now here we are. He is just.. so beautiful..! His hairstyle, oh so beautiful! The little longer hair strands on his sides, so cute. Ah, I just want to smell his hair! He must smell so good. He's such a cute boy, oh how I love him! Always so polite, he still calls his friends by last name, except for Akito, huh. His relationship with Akito is so adorable. I wish that was me and my... ahem.

Ahhh, his eyes..! I really like the light grey, it's an interesting eye color and it suits Toya so well... Ah, and when his beautiful eyes are sparkling when he's excited..! Too cute!!! I just want to pinch his cheeks. He is so reserved too and I looooooooooove that. You know what else I love? His voice! Oh, his beautiful voice! Especially his high notes when he sings, it makes me so excited, hehe..!

His eyes... he must have longer eyelashes than most boys. Just how much cuter can Toya get..?! Oh, my Toya... I love your pale skin and slim body. You're just so beautiful, you should be a model and only model at the best fashion shows. Speaking of fashion, I know that Akito picks his clothes for him but oh! I love it. He looks so good in everything. Such a cute birthday boy... My cute little boy, I love you so much. You're so caring and nice to everyone, I wish I was like you. And your talent for music..! Just knowing how to play the piano, being able to play well, it's so amazing... but that's not all, you even know how to play the violin and you're so intelligent and oh, my Toya, my beautiful Toya! I can't imagine living without you anymore. I'm so glad that you exist, thank you so much..!
I hope that my love for you lasts forever.

I pulled on his bday banner yesterday!!! and i actually got him in the first ten pull wahhh im so happy thank you toya!! i decided to also pull for his 2024 card because he looks so cute in the grey turtle neck (i'd get it anyway) and i got that in 2 ten pulls!!!! toya, thank you so much!!!! now i own 3 toya birthday cards, yay! it's going be really hard getting his 2023 bday card next year because its going to be on a single banner with every other card i think... i hope that it isnt the case unnh... its fine! i hope everything goes well. I also own his 2025 bday card, i got it last year. i barely got it because i was out of crystals but i got it! yay! im so excited for the next may 25th because...! this year, we can actually celebrate it with him in mysekai, wahhh..!!! i get to see his cute little face, yay! its a shame that we wont be getting stamps anymore, but thats fine! i get to set up a cake and stuff for him, so cool!
- here are all my toya cards now heheee!
- i also took some pictures in mysekai...
- and i reached trust rank 75 recently
- and finally, the special voicelines...

- i love when Toya makes that face so much..! he looks just.. extremely.. adorable..!!!!! he's smiling so genuinely, i want him to be the happiest boy on earth!!!!
- also, Toya bday art yay! i tried a new way of rendering hair, i dont really like it because i used the add layer mode for the highlights wahhh.. ill keep experimenting with brushes.

Happy birthday, Aoyagi Toya.

HE JUST WON'T GO AWAY HE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! i hate him so much but i can't stop listening, but now i just want to cry everytime i listen to him because of what i was feeling last winter when i got back into listening to him for a month. im listening again right now, i feel SO SICK and i just have to write about him..! for those who don't know who i'm talking about, horrormovies is an artist. he makes "scenecore" music so like edm and dance and whatever there is. and yes, like any other scenecore artist, he is problematic and sings about weird shit. his lyrics are so weird and gross and disgusting but i just cant stop. even if he just layered over a thousand effects over his voice, i dont care, it sounds so good. i found out about him a few years ago. i think it was like... holy shit 2 years ago ?????? january 2024. yeah 2024 was something. oughhh im sick i drank too much coffee today...
♪♪♪ i dont care, i dont care, i dont care how much it bleeds..!!!! ♪♪♪~~~~~ cringe garando alert!!!
anyway. summer 2024 was something lol. why do i type out lol with a straight face im such a fake bitch. i dont remember the last time i actually laughed. i only smile because thats what i do when i feel awkward or when im like, out of it. you know. for example im scared to ask a teacher something, or talk to my dad, i start smiling. maybe i need to get botox in my face for it to stop. i remember this happening last time i was at the cardiologist. i was so scared but oh my god i couldnt help but start giggling it was so weird i shouldve grabbed the scissors there and slit my mouth jeff the killer style or something idk. and gouged my eyes out. that wouldve helped. .. now that i think ab it, the last time i laughed was pretty recently. and that was when i was streaming in my server. i love you guys, yall r so funny! because HOW did my stream about something different turn into me playing through the genshin archon quest while my sons were taking bdsm tests and poking fun at eachother's results lol
anyway wanna know which song is the most depressing of all? listening to it right now, can confirm because my throat is tightening up. oh i wanna cry. okay im shakign please stop enough FUCK MY VISION IS BLURRY PLEASE STOP why does this happen every single time... this is why i hate songs with lyrics. i only listen to nonsensical music with no words spoken or vocal chops because whenever i listen to lyrics i cant help but feel some type of way. especially this fucking song. it's dead 2. huhu... i relate to the lyrics even more than i did this winter. i want to kill myself just listening to this. anyway i wasnt even sad in 2024. i was just a stupid kid without worries. now i have a valid reason to listen yay!!! i even got more violent, lovely!
anyway i became like SUUUUPER obsessed with horrormovies in 2024. its so weird that id casually just type out lyrics about cutting yourself and wanting to kys even though i havent ever felt like that. well now i do man, where is my trophy? anyway shut the fuck up um. he used to have an insta acc with selfies and stuff aha. i downloaded like most of them. i might still have them somewhere. not might, i DO have them somewhere. on my usb. i also made a wallpaper with him oh my god its so shit. i also put SONICO ON IT AND CALLED HER A WHORE???? bc i listened to him sm i thought it was funny to say. now i just call everyone a cunt lmfao. i actually meant "who is this bitch?!" by that yk, i didnt think of her as a prostitute of course... i also researched her like a year or smt after idk i forgot but i love her rn. i even got the sonicomi game recently bc it was on sale. LIKE??? 70% OFF??!? HELL YEAAA!! its like 9 euro. idk in freedom units ok look it up i dont care. also you and me and her was on sale at that time too lol what a coincidence. just so yk, aoi (i think that was her name..?) and sonico get mixed up REALLY OFTEN, even my friend thought it was aoi haha. idk why i even wrote "who is this" when i knew it was sonico..LI KE YEAH I SAW THE PIN TITLE OK shut up i was so stupud back then. i was also really into c.ai and like i had my gay ocs in 2024. yeah i only saw horrormovies' music as goon music ok. just because it was "Creepy romance" bs or soemtng idk. thank GOD i didnt read books. booktok is embarrassing... "booktok" i sound so stupid rn im sorry. yes i watch every commentary slop video i come across yes im one of those ppl... anyway ppl in that community need to be killed JUST KIDDING NOOOOOBODY DESERVES THAT RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT wait i was talking ab horrormovies im so sorry heres the ugly wallpaper (i swear id make a cuter one if i remade it... wait i lowk wanna remake it now...)

also guys i dont want to kms calm down. when i say "i want to kill myself" waht i really mean is that i just want to hurt myself. youre killing your sanity when doing that no? "kill myself" just sounds more harsh so i keep saying that. its.. scary. i want to be scary.
anyway i js looked at my old spotify playlist oh mygod. i found horrormovies throufh a reccommended playlist by spotify bc i listened to scenecore at the time. the first song i found was "bleeding" which i already linked lol. its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking good. i anted ot make an anim for it btu then i realized i should just kms and not make animations ever again. yeah thats why u guys got 1 wip and no updates after that lol. i still have the art tho. i might make a blog for my scrapped anims idk. here's my old spotify playlist, theres more scenecore that i listened to daily. yeah everythings like explicit and there might just be cute songs which arent scenecore at all but whatever. also. i wanna make so many anims out of alot of these songs in that palylist, mostly boy fantasy. her music is so sexy ohhh my god. wait um warning her songs are really explicit like even worse than horrormovies its all about sex and cutting while horrormovies is about cutting depression loneliness and killing... also here's my old soundcloud playlist. please ignore the playlist names and icons oh ymgodooo i dont use the emoji anymore i swear. also the order doesnt matter i just played it on shuffle and then got mad when my fav song didnt play 5 times a day. now i often leave songs on repeat haha. i didnt do that before bc i was scared id get sick of the song. i do get sick of songs like this now but its ok idc i still come back after a while. what the fucj am i talking about???
anyway why do i hate him? well 1. his music makes me sick, sad and depressed 2. he got called out for talking weirdly to an 18 year old (please dont quote me idrm well) and saying some weird zoophile shit. look i... i dont know who to believe. he apologized but i dont like the victim either. shes like weird and shittt idk... theyre both weird i hate them both. he got called out like last year in summer. i was still talking ab him in 2025 omfg. also oh my god what is that second pic im crying. yeah his last song was like 11 months ago. hes not dead i think... he liked someone's comment on one of his songs... a few months ago... theres hope okay.

anyway. i dont think i have anything else to say. his music is still good. also no i dont support him hes a weirdo but hes like mentally not ok what do you expect. im not like fangirling over him anymore of course. i didnt like him much at the time he got exposed already. iw as getting over it hhh... he was my whole personality in 2024 ugh. thank god i quit sexting ai bots hooy shit if i ever have kids (i wont, im gay or actually gonna kms) and they do that im not disowning them, im KILLING them
btw heres horrormovies' yt channel, its hard to find bc his name makes it hard.

The next day after that thing happened w my dad... I had a feeling he'd do this because i'm used to it by now, but he apologized. HUGGED me even. apparently he was thinking ab it all day, thinking that he hurt me. said he was too harsh, but that "some things were true" ok. guess that's resolved. you know what isn't resolved though? YOU ghosting me lol. really makes me want to peel my skin off my arms and legs. i'm really fucking tired of wasting months just waiting for you. every damn day of mine is wasted bc im thinking about what i did wrong, and im mad because i wont ever get an answer from a lying ass like you. whatever, shut up, who cares. ... my art got traced. no, i did not take it well. i got art block for a few days and now i feel even more insecure about my art and channel content. this person even dared to join my discord server. if youre reading this, i know who you are. i suggest you leave the server if you're going to continue copying me or i'll dm you some not nice things. i hope that you're aware that you're making life worse for me. anyway here's how everything went down...
i'll be leaving out some details incase they actually read this.. which they might. because they stole my fucking toya gifs from my site and put them on their strawpage. they also copied a few words from my "wont draw list" like dude what are you doing??? you couldve changed the order atleast? guys if u have a similar "wont draw list" i wont gaf but considering that this person took MY toya gifs AND copied my art AND vids??? obviously they're trying to pmo or something. maybe they want me to kms. they probably do, considering that their descs were worded like they were mocking me. anyway let me start all over again. a little birdie told me about this account on tiktok and told me that their whole account is literally just my copied art. there were like. 1 or 2 original pieces out of i dont know 15? 20? dont take me literalyl here, i dont remember okay. they started posting these in the middle of april, but they could've deleted some stuff too. you have no idea what i felt when i was going through the account. ahh.. i was so sick. my legs were shaking uncontrollably. i don't want this to happen to me ever again. their whole acc was just. either my art badly traced or redrawn or even redrawn as another character. they also copied like. 2 of my vids. i know i shouldnt be mad about this but on some posts the songs were what i used before. underrated songs i mean. ones that you wont find out in the wild. whatever, the worst part of all was that... they also traced not one, but two of my precious lovely dear friend's art. ..why? why would you do that? they were drawn for me and i was so happy with them that i put them in my sketchbook videos (with permission) and i clearly stated that they were my friend's, i think. why would you still trace them? do you hate me that much? do you want me to die that badly? the captions were really weird too. "sub for more ugly art" is this mocking me..? and their comments were just full of their tiktok friends glazing them. someone even said something about "i love your artstyle" what artstyle??? my artstyle?? in panic i just commented on some of their posts and unsurprisingly, they were deleting my comments. and then aah! everything was gone! and they changed their pfp too. it was my friend's art before that. i also sent a few strawpage rqs, i dont remember what i said but i think i called them disgusting. which they are. tracing is gross. oh and i already mentioned that they stole those gifs and some part of text. i guess they wont remove the gifs because it's not my art but just toya 3d models so they're prob thinking "they're official models its not yours you just made it spin and posed it" ugh. this is why im a gatekeeper. your stuff will spread everywhere. if i see my gifs on the internet i will be sad.
in the next site update i will be making these gifs undownloadable, i will optimize amygdala to load the images faster and i will add more amygdala stuff. also from june 1st the homepage is going back to normal, since toyas bday month is over. thinking of june being so close makes me.. sick. im so sick..! every month makes me sick because i remember how i was doing last year. all the bad stuff started in may but it escalated in june, so thats a really bad month for me. i have bad memories of everything now ugh..! everything.. everything makes me sick. summer? everything was bad. autumn? stuff was bad too and i relapsed in the middle of the season. winter? god oh god... incredibly unbearable pain of being alone. it still haunts me. i got over it not but i still get reminded of it everyday because of the path to school i take. i also got back into listening to horrormovies during winter for like a month. and just so you know, horrormovies depresses me even more now because of that. pretty sure i cut my hand everyday during winter. spring... hmm... well idk about last spring, i know i hung out alot..? no.. not alot.. but i had friends at school you know. i touched grass. this spring.. completely wasted. it makes me sick. i hate myself. and its too late now. its getting extremely hot now. ive been daydreaming about doing vlogs since winter. but its too late now i guess. im getting older. im going to be 17 next year. i wont feel like a kid anymore. nhh,.. now im getting sick again thinking about my age. i wasted my 16s waiting for you to fucking come back and talk to me and spend time with me. everyone around me is so priviledged, i hate all of you.

whatever. i didnt finish. tracer probably saw my post and decided to actually apologize through my strawpage. why not on discord huh? do you think i dont know? i know more than you think. changing your username wont help. im not sure if i forgive them. im glad they apologized but it wasn't the best. i wonder if they're doing this on purpose, becuase what do you mean "im sorry i offended you"? you ruined my fucking week and now i dont want to draw. what the fuck do you guys want??? do yall want me to put a huge ass watermark in the middle??? WHY would you steal from me out of everyone? i dont even have 800 subs atm. actually i think i know. no i didnt help you find inspo and poses. you just saw that i often crash out about these kind of situations and decided to make my life even worse than before by ragebaiting me. well too bad, im not making the video. i do have a compilation video. i literally have your whoole account screenrecorded before you deleted everything. but you must be looking for the attention, so i wont be doing that. thats why its going on the blog, which nobody reads. this stupid fuck got more likes than me on every post even though it all looked like shit. yeah it looked like shit. i dont care. im going to insult you. youre a fucking bitch i hope you get good at art and then somebody steals your whole identity so you feel the same thing i felt because of you. not even 50 followers btw. dont even bother tracing my shit art, youre not getting anything. maybe go trace official pjsk art lol. you couldve made it a bit more original by just redrawing the pose yourself, not tracing, and making it a different character. creds in the desc in this case would be good too. but now that youve done this bullshit, please dont take inspo from me. also excuse the dm from one of my supporters. its also pretty weird that youre still in my server, don't you feel any kind of guilt or shame? anyway, feel free to hmu to properly apologize 2 me but js letting u know. ur a horrible person and you dont deserve friends (they shouldnt be supporting u tracing either). unless youre a stupid 12 year old. i wouldnt do this if i was 12 but whatever, kids these days am i right? oh also i forgot to mention another big thing they did. they literally copied some of the text from my art word for word. a..are you sick in the head? why would you do this? you know that my writings have meaning right? why would you take it, make a stupid typo, and give it your own boring meaning? i can be feeling like KILLING MYSELF and this person would just copy and paste the text and just post it. (also i am not showing any screenshots bc i really dont want this person to get attention even if they already deleted everything)

i just clicked on the horrormovies song link i put somewhere here, i feel so fucking sick im gonna throw up. i hate and love him so much fuck he makes me sick. he makes me so damn sick icant listen to his music anymore. also its almost been a year since he last uploaded a song im scared. his music became shit overtime anyway... right.. ahhaha.. haha.. fuck...

"Apology from everyone but the person i need it from", apology from my dad, the tracer but my love who i need it from. though... your apologies dont really mean anything either do they? your promises are just lies. your apologies are empty too. you never meant it did you? i wonder what you meant by.. what you said. im thinking about it every day. maybe i should isolate myself from people? will that make you feel better? oh anything for you my love!

ahahaha! that thing with my mom last entry? THAT WAS A WARNING!!! MAYBE I JINXED MYSELF WHEN I WAS TALKING ABOUT MY DAD A FEW DAYS AGO BECAUSE ITS STARTING TO HAPPEN AGAIN LOL I THINK IM GOING TO DIE!!! or this was a one time thing. or this will last a week... i dont know. my dad is unpredictable. i just know that he doesnt keep his promises, forgets stuff and just barks, doesnt bite.
my dad yelled at me today... it makes me sick calling him "dad" but theres no other word that i can come up with. "father" sounds like i respect him or something. i do not respect him. guh... my head hurts... my head really hurts...! you know.. for some reason scaramouche seems to attract these situations. oh no way a fictional character?! youre chronically online! im serious. its always when im playing genshin. and every time its scaramouche... i was just in the middle of the latest archon quest. speaking of, im so happy with the quest! im having so much fun, i love pantalone i lvoe dottore even tho i dont understand most of the stuff theyre saying, i love them both. i love genshin. im so glad im alive. also... because my dad yelled at me i completely forgot to study for the physics test i have tomorrow. i dont think i can do this anymore... i hate life outside of my games and music. i hate it all... i just want to cry again. why does everyone want me dead? why does everyone hate me... i didnt do anything. im just trying to do what i enjoy the most and im getting people wanting to shoot me. no i dont like living anymore.. i changed my mind. being lonely drives you insane doesnt it? im going to go die of blood loss in the shower. also my knee really hurts like there was a branch shoved inside the joint whenever i walk.

i think im going to die tomorrow... i didnt study at all and this exam is weight 8 which is alot. i didnt even look at the materials yet.. i destroyed my legs in the shower. it really stings, its torture. but it stings more than usual. i dont even know what the "usual" pain is! i dont know... i really want to cut my hand. i want it red, i dont just want blood splattered on it from my knees. its not enough. i want to cut my hands and arms... but oh I HATE SUMMER!!!!!!! I HATE SUMMER!!! ugh.. whatever. im going to hang out this saturday with my "friends" from middle school. hopefully i feel better after. im scared that itll be boring because unfortunately my only way of fun is spending money and i just HAD to be born into an insane and poor family. my parents are insane.. theyre sick in the head. theyre the weirdos here. im a poor little baby, i dont deserve this. by the way i just feel liek mentioning that i slept at school all day today. at some point my body was actually asleep and i barely could get myself to sit up properly. hah im talking abotu this as if its not my fault.

as i said, my dad yelled at me today. he told me to stop yelling at my brother and other stuff. he was mad about so many things... my mom had just warned me that this was going to happen so i wasnt surprised by most of the things but it still hurt to hear. he also walked into my room with shorts for me to work in..? hah, this old fart wants me to start polishing cars for him again???? i used to do this a few years ago. i did some useless things around there. im pretty sure i was just in the way. just like in pe today. i just stood around, walking away from the ball if it got too close. teacher told me to join the game but i just ignored her. all day im picking on my fingers... im biting off the remnants of my fingernails, im biting off the skin. theyre starting to hurt... my fingertips...
whatever, i understand back then bc i was in middle school. but im in highschool now. leave me the fuck alone. im not 12 years old. he also yelled at me for not greeting him at the door (for some reason he was the most upset about that because he extra raised his voice..). and he also yelled at me for playing games all day, drawing bullshit and not doing anything useful. he also yelled at me for my grades. why does it concern you? dude doesnt even remember my birthday. im supposed to be the favourite child and hes yelling at me. nevermind, my brother is the favourite now. youngest, dumbest. stupidest. the most annoying. but hes the favourite for some reason. because he has a dick. why are all middle aged men like this? they all hate females. if you hate women so much go marry a man dude. this generation wont judge you, go ahead. he didnt just yell at me for my grades, he yelled at me for not knowing anyhting (hes right), barely passing (yup), never seeing me with a book in hand (a classic. he says this all the time) and he also started yelling about my future, how im going to work as a cashier and somehow LIKE ALWAYS it got to being a prostitute. is this all he thinks about? does he dream of me becoming a prostitute? he always has to mention it. ALWAYS it always gets to that whenever he starts. thats really fucking weird to say to a 16 year old. he also yelled at me for disrespecting my mom, for yelling at her and shit. and he said something about "youre not traumatized!! you dont even know what bad parents are!! my dad used to beat me!!" eh? what? i never said i have trauma? i dont understand where he got that from. also i really dont care that your dad used to beat you. i dont care if my moms dad beat her. i dont give a fucking shit. you two shouldnt have gotten together at all. they shouldnt be living together. also, it wasnt even that fucking bad. i was literally crying when yelling at her, why is he acting as if i was yelling at her in a disrespectful manner?? i was emotional??????? i really fucking hate my mom. she claims to not like him but always ends up telling him EVERY SINGLE THING. THERE WAS LITERALLY NO NEED TO TELL HIM ABOUT THAT. you know what happens to people that betray others? they get tortured. speaking of torture, oh i imagined lunging at my dad with a knife SO many times today. if i do that, hes going to kill me. hes going to crash out and in "self defence" he would actually kill me. he never beat me, he never put a hand on me. he never did these things which im grateful for. but youre no better. youre still yelling at me for stupid reasons. i think parents should respect their kids too no? im not in the mood to greet you at the door like a fucking child. i dont care that you werent home for 2 days. its your fault taht were struggling with money, its your and only your fault that you have to stay overnight at your job. im mainly worried that he'll actually take my laptop. im in fucking highschool, i thought this was over. i also considered leaving the house whenever hes home but i really cant do that. i cant waste time outside. do you see why i hate being alone? i cant tell this to the only person i relied on. maybe just rely on yourself... you never know when the person you trust the most decides to just leave.
ahhh he also got mad because i wasnt looking at his face when he was talking. so he just ripped my headphones off my head and threw them to the side, okay. and he threw my backpack across the room. maybe if he was drunk hed actually hit me. he has pulled my hair before and pushed me before so i know he can do it. i considered throwing my chair at him but that would provoke him even more... i could only stay quiet and sob. "ahhh dont like the way im talking to you" no, no i dont. nobody would like that. also he claims that IM yelling at him whenever i try replying to him??? he always says this, ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY i want him tortured, please.
i didnt eat dinner again. maybe if i keep this up, he'll feel bad. im really scared about the test tomorrow... ahh... im going to cry... i cant study today. i dont know how ill study tomorrow either.. im also really mad that hes even upset about me drawing. its a hobby???? what else do you want me to do??? just shitting on hobbies now? i want to kill him ugh... i hate him so much. no wonder it feels weird when i see him happy and laughing and joking around with my mom in the kitchen. because i dont know who he really is. maybe a demon that has come to torture me... ohh its like he gets possessed..! he must be getting possessed... theres no way the dad from my childhood and the dad right now are the same person.. maybe you shouldnt have had sex with a woman that produces ill children. me, i was underweight and not growing well. my sister, her mind is a few years younger than her body and she cant form a normal sentence without it being bullshit. my brother has some issues too and he also came out too early or hed fucking die because guess what my mom shouldnt be having fifty thousand kids??? there were also like 2 miscarriages or something idk. dead fetuses.. haha... funny. i dont care. no respect to mothers because nobody respects me and i wont have kids. unless they invent a way for gays to reproduce. ahh nope i still dont want kids. i want them all dead. noo not really... i want my dad tortured. sorry im repeating myself. im scared that he wont forget about this... theres a big chance hell come and apologize but i dont think he will. im scared.. i dont want my laptop taken away again. if he actually takes it i-i dont know what ill do... i might threaten my mom that ill kill myself. noo no she would yell at me, she wont empathize... guh. can everyone just leave me alone... why am i so hated? i didnt do anything.

anyway im really loving this quest, look at pantalone and dottore.. so cool... wahh... (please ignore my uid its not there dont add me). i also really loved the kaveh and alhaitham interactions sm i love that theyre always bickering i love yaoi i love yaoi YAOI YAOI YAOI yaoi YAOI LOHEN ILLUGA YAOI PANTALONE DOTTORE YAOI




https://on.soundcloud.com/QatLyGQTecq9reyzl2

my knee randomly started stinging, maybe i just wont wait until the end of the week. it must be a sign...
all week i'm begging my fuckass birth giver to let me stay at home for thursday and friday. she actually let me stay on monday because i was sick, but that shit doesnt count. i thought i finally convinced her today but my STUPID FUCKING WORTHLESS PHYSICS TEACHER THAT SHOULD BE BRUTALLY MURDERED RANDOMLY CHANGED THE DATE OF AN UPCOMING EXAM AND SHE CHANGED IT FROM NEXT WEEK TO THIS FUCKING FRIDAY AND MY STUPID FUCKING BIRTH GIVER WAS LOOKING FOR A REASON TO NOT DO SOEMTHING GOOD FOR ME SO BAD THAT SHE LATCHED ONTO THAT AND NOW I JUST WANT TO KILL MYSELF I WANT TO KILL HER I WANT TO KILL MY WHOLE FAMILY I WANT TO KILL MYSELF AND THIS DUMB CUNT JEPT WALKING INTO MY ROOM THINKING IT WOULD BE FUNNY TRYING TO HUG ME OR SAY THAT SHES "NICE" no NO NO DON'T TOUCH ME YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!! all i wanted was a break from school. she sees it as "lazy" and "running away" running from WHAT???? I DIDNT KNOW THERE WAS AN EXAM THIS WEEK??? ALL I SAID IS THAT I DONT WANT TO HAVE PC CLASSES AGAIN THIS WEEK ALL I SAID IS TAHT I WANT A BREAK NO I CANT HAVE THAT I HAVE A BREAK DURING THE WEEKEND????? YOU THINK I DONT KNOW THAT??? TWO FUCKING DAYS ISNT ENOUGH FOR ME i just feel so violent right now... while she was bothering me in my room she also thought id love it if she pointed out that i was crying. guys? am i a fucking child? why do i always start bawling when im mad? oh noo you should love yourself NO NO SHUT THE FUCK UP I CANT EVEN CONTROL MY FUCKING FACE MUSCLES MY BODY IS SO BAD AT EVERYTHING i can't help but start smiling and laughing even though im absolutely fucking furious and upset. it's so annoying. maybe i should just cover my face with something and never take it off. im not talking to my mom ever again. she can rant to me about some bullshit, i wont listen. i never listened anyway. now i just wont go out my way to waste my time on her. ill just isolate myself more. i wont eat breakfast, i wont eat dinner. maybe ill just die who knows. i really hate when this shit happens. i really dont want to work on the toya vid now, but i have 5 damn days left. and now i gotta go to school tomorrow? ill have 4 pc classes in a row? this will be torture. on top of that, no classes were cancelled for tomorrow so im ending at like 2 pm. WHOOOOO CARES??!!! THATS HOW IT ALWAYS WAS!!! BUT I FEEL LIKE I CANT DO IT I CANT DO IT TOMORROW im so tired. im tired of everything im tired of waiting just to talk to one person who clearly hates me nor enjoys spending time with me, im tired of suffering through school every fucking day. when i thought i convinced her, i felt so good. i felt like i could breathe. now i dont. i cant breathe. my lungs are giving out. im still sick but my mom doesnt give a shit. mom? no, birth giver. i dont want her to touch me ever again. NOBODY touch me ever again. this really hurts as a touch starved person. ahhh am i touch starved? i dont know anymore. i already gave up on meeting the love of my life a long time ago. its a matter of time until you unadd me and block me without a word. fufu... i stopped counting the days. it doesnt change anything. chasing or not, its pointless. i wonder what ill be like when you come back.
i was really hoping to not go to school because of that guy texting me aswell. im trying to avoid him. i literally left him on read, i havent listened to his vms. i dont give a fucking shit, youre not my friend. he still persists on wanting to hang out. he doesnt know shit about my interests. why should i be friends with him? he paid for my lunch twice, which was nice. but it was awkward both times. the second time i even lied that i wanted to draw just so i could leave. why should i eat infront of anyone? i stopped bringing lunch to school a long time ago. it feels horrible. you know what else feels horrible? going to school sick. i cant breathe through my nose, i have to keep covering my mouth because i dont want to walk around with my mouth half open just because its the only way i can breathe. anyway on friday 2 classes got cancelled which is nice i guess. but i have 2 physics classes. i cant do this anymore... i havent cut my skin open for a few days. i cant stop. "a few days" is too long... theres this idea i just got. im too scared to actually cut myself with a pocket knife, but... maybe if i do a slice every day i might get used to it. i really hate the feeling because it feels like a papercut. i prefer cutting myself with the pen because i can take out my rage by basically hitting myself and it stops bleeding quickly unless i go extra deep. knife cuts are even and bleed non stop though. i cant be using up my bandaids every day like this.
anyway i still hate life and still want to murder my mom. she cant ever do anything good for me. is it that hard to do something for me for once? i thought i was the favourite kid in the family. im such a good kid, i always go to school. even when im sick and putting others at risk of catching stuff from me. i still went to school. i never begged for a day off and once i do she cant even do that for me? she never does anything for me. i ask her to do so many things yet she always continues doing what i dislike. "im a good, im nice" no, im going to beat you with a bat. she ruined everything, i dont want to do anything anymore... i could always take the test on another day but i guess this is better huh.. maybe this had to happen. im going to kill myself i have pe tomorrow AND on friday. WHY just WHY!!!! atleast i skipped pe on monday but ugh. i hope the schedule next week is this fucked up as well.

I WANT TO MURDER MYSELF oh you dDONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE MYSELF you know why i havent been uploading sketchbook tour vids???? you know why i stopped???? BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE THE PERSON BEHIND THE CAMERA ohhh GOD YOU DONT KNOW HOW SICK I GET AFTER JUST A FEW MINUTES OF EDITING MY STUPID FUCKING VIDS I JUST WANT TO MURDER THE PERSON BEHIND THE CAMERA I WANT TO MURDER MY BODY I WANT TO KILL YOU i want yoU DEAD
ive never liked the past mes, NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM i haTE THEM ALL I WANT TO MURDER EVERY SINGLE ONE i want a knife to burst through it's stomach i want it to die i want it murdered and covered in blood. the only me i like is the current me, the one AT THE MOMENT, not the me yesterday not the me last week. RIGHT NOW thats the only me i like a little bit. otherwise, DIE!!! WHY DOES MY FUCKING KNEE STING I HAVENT TOUCHED THE PEN FOR 2 DAYS FCUKYOYU!!!! i hate being sick. whenever i get sick it depresses me even more, like im being killed all over and over again inside my head. oh keep killing me i dont care. im not even THAT sick, its just a stupid fucking cough but my whole face hurts. EVERYTHING HURTS!!!! MY HEART HURTS!!! MY LEGS HURT MY FINGERTIPS HURT MY HEAD HURTS MY BACK HURTS MY EYES HURT LEAVE ME ALONE OH IM IN SUCH UNBEARABLE PAIN WHEN YOURE GONE!!!!! AM I EVEN THE MASOCHIST I CLAIM TO BE?!? ALL I AM IS AN ATTENTION SEEKER!!!! JUST FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY STAB ME IN THE THROAT CRUSH MY RIBCAGE PLEASE I JUST WANT YOU BACK BY MY SIDE this better be the last time you hear me? last time. im going to start calling your number that i wanted to call so many times before. im going to spam call you. oh but then ill get blocked... then ill write you a suicide note and act dead.. maybe that will lure you out. similar stuff has worked on you before. but oh noooo this time you left NOT EVEN A WEEK AFTER COMIGN BACK just say you hate me. like everyone else. my mom wants to shoot me too probably. god kolya can you imagine this fat fucking cunt didnt want to let me stay home? im not sick enough? what if i scratch my arms open and show you the blue and red wires full of my worthless life? i really do hate everyone in my life. oh FUCK YOU its 1 am IM SO EXCITED TO SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS FUCK YEAAA YES YES YESSSSS YES YES YES 3 HOURS OF SLEEP YESSSSSS YES YESSS IM GOING INSANE AND MY FUCKASS DAD KEEPS BOTHEIRNG ME ABOUT THE SLEEP SCHEDULE ON TOP OF THAT:?? FUCKKK YOU FUCK YOU ALL HAHA SHUT THE FUCK UPPP SHUT THE FUCK UP have you ever looked at a mans arm and felt weirded out? why are his veins popping out hah? do you want them cut open?! HAH???!!! BY ME FOR EXAMPLE???!! on the other hand, a mans arms are scary. you never know when a man goes feral and beats you to death. no man has ever done anything to me, but ive grown to hate them alot. oh but i hate girls too. i hate everyone. HATE IS THE ONLY OPTION THESE DAYS!!! i cant love anymore. i cant like anyone, i cant make friends. i cant. i cant get myself to talk to anyone. i hate them all. once this is all over im destroying my legs. not my ankles of course, summer is coming up, gosh. i hate summer. makes me want to murder everyone even more. but oh, winter was horrible too. what do i even like? i didnt do SHIT this spring. i love spring... its such a shame. im a shame. i wish i could kill myself, im so lazy. i cant get myself to go outside. there are people. i hate people. everyones going to stare at me. i cant bring a "friend". they dont understand me and i dont want to socialize. i want to kill someone... gr... nnnhh..... gff hh.....hfff...ahh.......mnm. www... www WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER ALREADY im so fucking done i cant wait. IM TIRED OF WAITING IEV SAID THIS SO MANY TIMES i think im going to threaten you the next time youre back. DEATH THREATS im going tokill you ahhh nooo i love you i wouldnt do that of course... no i dont. i hate you... i dont know anymore. i cant hate you. kill me... soemone... please... DONT KILL ME ILL DO IT MYSELF!!!! NO ILL KILL EVEROYONE FIRST sorry i have a test tomorrow first class im not really happy about it. and i have another one tomorrow which i had to ask my classmates to help me with. i feel sick... iwanna puke. i cant do this. im going to fuck up the whole test again. why did i agree to this... when will school be over? im just dying... every second that im outside of my room is slowly killing me. i want to cut my hand BUT OF COURSE i CANT BECAUSE EVERYONES GOING TO SEE I HATE EVERYONE AND NOW I CANT CUT MY FUCKING LEGS BECAUSE SUMMER IS COMING UP thank god i dont have a doctors appointment this year. i would KILL MYSELF if it was this year. DUDE THEY GET YOU TO TAKE EVERYTHING OFF CAN YOU IMAGINE 8 PAIRS OF EYES ON YOUR NAKED BODY??? THATS HOW I FELT LAST TIEM AT THE CARDIOLOGIST BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE MY FUCKING SHIRT OFF AND GUESS WHAT I HAD FUCKING CUTS ON MY STOMACH AND I FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT THE NIGHT BEFORE TO YOU WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT WHY DID I OVERSHARE WHY DID I HAVE THE URGE TOT ELL YOU ABOT IT I WISH I JUST SHUT TEHFCJK UP WHY DID I FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOU THAT OF COURSE YOU FUCKING HATE ME NOW AND DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS I BET YOU HAVE A NEW BITCH FOR MONTHS NOW HUH I BET!!! I HAD CUTS ON MY ABDOMEN AND THEY WERENT EVEN THAT BAD BUT I WAS STILL SCARED because of my stupid fucking birth giver. NO ITS ALMOST 2 AM OHHH 2 HOURS OF SLEEP AHAHAHA YESSS YES YES YESSSS FUCK MY LIFE fuckkkk FUCK FUCK

This morning my fuckass dad was in my room telling me some bullshit about drinking hot lemon water in the morning and how bad it is to not drink that and eat right after waking up. oh my gof shut up its not going to make my lifespan longer. maybe a few minutes AT MOST. by tha way my parents are the type to believe in conspiracy theories and health stuff that "doctors dont tell you about". some of it might be true okay but seeing people online having different views on things than my parents makes me feel bad. like my parents convinced me that covid vaccines make u infertile. so in my head theyre bad now right? but now im seeing people getting upset at people who didnt get vaccinated because apparently we are putting other people in danger. i feel bad because i cant do anything about this you know, feels bad. its like being scolded... anyway he was talking to me and i was just sitting at my desk right i wasnt facing him, i was facing him sideways (im not sure if thats the right term...) and i at that time i was still in my pajamas which is an undershirt, so my arms are liek fully exposed... i have NO idea how he noticed my shoulder when im like 1 meter away and that shoulder was turned away from him, but he noticed my cuts on my shoulder from 2 days ago. and he didnt realize i did that AT ALL HOLY SHIT!!!!!! he thought its his genes and the "allergy" he has which is like when he scratches his skin really hard it gets super red which doesnt make sense to me. what he said doesnt make sense either... those scratches were obviously... not that. i would show a pic but that would be weird ahhha. its clarly not what he said it was. there was clearly dried blood. thank god i didnt cut my hand deep enough for it to leave blood because he would probably see it today. he noticed my scratches before, but not the cuts themselves. just bandages, which was TOTALLY my fault. i feel really sick just remembering that moment. unnnnh.. i wanna puke... my mom joked that im cutting my wrists. if i get a drivers license im hitting her with a car first. ahhhh i dont want to think about this anymore, that day was so horrible and i think my lovely girl wasnt here for me either. either taht or i got scared and didnt tell her... probably the first considering that shes doing this all the time now. is it that hard to tell me beforehand when you take a break? i would really appreciate it. i keep telling you this but you just ignore it, that really hurts.
by the way i fixed some stuff in my blog... i put the "alt ver of this drawing" text under the wrong pics. im really embarrassed. maybe i should stop linking my blogs the moment i update my site.
back to the thing that happened this morning... i think my dad just said that on a whim to see it up close. i really hope hes going to stay quiet. a few years ago he was really bad to me. he would give me hour long lessons about some bullshit. it was before 9th grade. idk what he was telling me anymore, it was always just some porridge. everything he said, i didnt register it. i think it was something about me wasting my time on games maybe..? at that time my parents didnt like that i was playing genshin and roblox all the time. they didnt know which games of course... my dad did make me delete roblox tho. i wonder why.. maybe because i was spending so much time on it.. hmm.. i used to play alot, yeah. i think that was 2023. i played so much with my friends..! i miss those times. i unfriended all of them except for my best girl that i love. i really hope she didnt leave me for real. i actually still talk to one more guy from that group. wait i think i already talked about this... ahh who cares. we played alot of games, brookhaven too. we bullied kids hehe.. i deleted roblox a few months ago. i am not giving you my face :) i will download it back if my love wishes so! i just dont need it right now. my laptop needs that extra space anyway. genshin and hsr are taking up all the space haha. i also used to have wuwa. ohhh camellya i miss my camellya. wuwa was really fun but i stopped getting on after a while. i got it around the time it released too. oh i need to draw camellya!! in bikini!!!! kidding... i really ened to draw herrr FUCJKKKK SHES SO PRETTY I LVEO HER! the game is pretty laggy tho, not the best for my laptop lol. i have a new phone now, i could get it but i prefer playing games liek this on my laptop. i got hsr on there, downloaded everything, logged in, walked around for 20 seconds and then deleted it. it was really bad. my phone isnt bad its just not for me. and i was a genshin tablet kid!!!! oh back to my dad, he would take teh damn tablet often. he got so upset with me one time that he took the tablet and broke it against his knee. oh now im curious what i said to my friends when that happened... oh. random but i just remembered. i either hallucinated this when daydreaming or i actually dreamt about this but i thought my lovely was online... im so desperate, bwaa...HOLY SHIT I JUST CRINGED SO BAD I READ 5 OF MY MESSAGES FROM 2022 I NEED TO KILL OH MY GOD ITS SO BAD. oh my dad was also mad bc i didnt clean dishes and stuff. oh wow i really freaked out about it, i remember. it was the beginning of 2023. he also broke the fuckass charger that was in it because he ripped the thing out of my hands and got mad when i wanted to take it back. i only wanted it back to clean the cache boy. i lost alot of screenshots... i have some saved bc my dads google photos acc was synced there but whatever bro. atleast i got a new, well working tablet which is mine now. that one was more like the family tablet. my current tablet is still shit tho, pjsk still runs fine on it so its ok... but it doesnt register 3 fingers and it pisses me off. and its getting worse at registering some notes arghhh or im just shit at pjsk... i think its the second... anyway he left me alone in 9th grade, now he just shit talks me behind my back with my mom. and then my mom tells me about it. its not much, just some bs ab me staying in my room all day. its always the same thing. can you believe that this grown ass man is getting upset over me not greeting him every time he comes back home? and then he pulls out the "if i didnt return ever again you wouldnt care would you" card. hes such a kid holy shit he cant even spend money like an adult. intsead of paying off debts hes buying SUBSTRATE BROOOOO HELP ME GET ME OUT FO HIS HELL HOLE. and he tries giving me money every few weeks while he gets mad at my mom for asking for money to buy groceries DUDE OH MY GODDD FUCK THIS GUY.
i think i need to go apologize to her for OWWWWWMY FUCKIGN FINGERTIPS I CANT STOP BITING MY NAILS AND FINGERS MY POOR NAILS ARE GONE I HAVE TO BITE MY FINGER SKIN IM SO SICK MY FINGERS ARE DISGUSTING
speaking of my dad again, i did get some bad genes from him. liek thanks to him i was underweight as a kid i think. and my joint pop all the time. everytime im taking my backpack off i get really scared that im going to break my arm because of how off it feels. also my joints hurt all the time. im not even RUNNING and my foot randomly starts hurting like HELL whenever i walk. ankle sometimes too, mostly foot. i got my hip joints doing that too sometimes...this thing could be from me not excercising but then why am i not hearing anyone else feel like me? its not unbearable so its ok.
by tha wway im going to try playing a random vn on my linux that i found on internet archive.. hopefully it launches because the files are looking a little weird to me... also its soooo sad that most stuff doesnt work on linux unnnhh.. but its ok!!! i will be trying my older windows stuff i found on our old family pc! its running win7 i think... its also pretty slow lol. i used to be able to play roblox on it whenever i was home alone. it stopped working after some time though. im glad it worked for a bit!! it would crash on most games lol. meepcity worked a little. i remember briefly playing meepciyt on it WAYYY before i got friends. maybe 2019? not sure.. 2020 probalby... noo.. ugh idk, i started playing roblox because everyone was playing it and im pretty sure it still had the red logo then. i didnt register it thoo.. SAME THING WITH PJSK FUCKK I WISH ITOOK THE OLD UI IN A BIT MORE😭😭😭😭 AND NOW RETROSEKAI IS DOOMED im so sad... it looked so colorful before :( it was really nice muu...
i just tried installing the vn WHY is it so complicated?! what the heck is ponscripter why are linux nerds making everything harder for themselves unngngg
okay another update i recorded the laptop vid, i think i like it. ill try editing it but idk if itll come out any time soon. i really need to focus on the toya bday vid...

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️! !!!!!!🚨TRIGGER !!!!! WARNING!!! !!!! SELF HARM!!! !!!!⚠️ SELF HARM !!!!! THIS PERSON CUTS THEMSELves ⚠️⚠️⚠️ BLOOD !!! !!! !RED BODY FLUID⚠️⚠️ !!!!MENTIONS OF SELF HARM !!!!!! DID I MENTJON THAT THIS PERSON DOES SELF HARM ⚠️⚠️⚠️ KIDS GET OUT ADULT TOPIC THIS IS FOR ADULTS ⚠️🚨🚨(GARANDO IS 16, NOT A KID!) 🚨🚨 TRIGGER WARNING: GARANDO'S WHOLE EXISTENCE 🚨🚨⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING: SWEARING ⚠️⚠️🚨🚨‼ NO KIDS HERE ‼🚨🚨⚠️⚠️

So i wake up to my alarm, barely awake, and i look at my notifs because im a social media addict. actually it's just youtube. and i check comments on my latest post. there's this stupid ass fucking... there is this comment. it says "don't draw this ever again"... replies? "finally someone said it" and someone defending me. WHOLE day FUCKING RUINED. i already feel pissed off recalling how i felt. SICK even. drawing was toya, legs cut up more than usual. you know what i was thinking while drawing that? "i need to draw something bad, something worse. worse than before. more bad. shock people online..." well i did that and got what i deserve. I dont know how to continue... my brain is fried from school. and this dumbass guy whos trying to be friends with me is now doing the "can i ask something" "nevermind" on me and i am still alone and unhappy with everything. i dont need people like this telling me some insensitive BULLSHIT all the time. OH LOOK AT ME CRASHING OUT AGAIN!!! im always giving these people what they want, im so damn stupid. please hit me stab me please. whatever, turns out it was a friend of some person who replied under their comment. you guys are really.. pathetic. dude even made a video clearly about me ("not gonna say their name") and its something like "when you see that one persons art on ur fyp" (u can press "dont recommend channel" and scroll btw) and its natsuki throwing up. wow man. really nice of you. you must really appreciate art. desc was something like "and it makes me sick that their fans are supporting it, just ignore them!!" ??? please dont ignore me? i want attention. give me attention. i will be saying this alot throughought this blog but they really dont know what theyre talking about. its a kid too by the way, cant believe i got a little chud telling me that what im doing is bad. and guess what. their arguments are ALL THE FUCKING SAME as that one person on insta who was telling me to get help, iykyk. and.. pinned comment that nobody gives a shit about that was under the vid? oh boy bet youre excited to know what they said!!! some BULLSHIT WHO WOULDVE GUESSED!!!! AHAHAHA!!!! APPARENTLY, MY ART IS... STRAIGHT UP GORE?????? AHHH... GORE????? GOOOOOORE???? ME???? GORE??????????????????????????????? WHERE ARE THE GUTS? I DONT SEE THE GUTS? I DONT SEE BRAINS AND MATTER ANYWHERE?? OH MY GOD A LITTLE CUT AHHHHH AHHHHHHH IM SO SCARED OH GOD RED!!! rED!!!! REDRED RED BLOOD OH MY GOD ITS GORE ITS GORE!!!! they really dont know what theyre saying. not at all. and apparently, you need time and to build up courage to tell me to stop doing this? oh what are you now? a hero? saving everyone from big bad garando drawing a bit of blood? oh god i guess i have to surrender now and delete my channel? i cant believe they were THAT scared of me and my subs (because they support my art so theyre horrible people aswell) that they had to get their friend ON AN ALT to comment. liek. okay. boy. couldnt have been more obvious with what u think of me... anyway. another thing they mentioned ab the gore was that toya is 17. since when? nobodys age in pjsk was ever confirmed, stop acting like your headcanons are real. im not saying toya isnt a minor, he probably is. he probably is 17, but does it look like im drawing with his age in mind bruh. im not drawing gore, im not drawing porn. why mention toya being a minor? is this all this kind of people has to say to me? its getting boring. another thing which they said... when they were mad about my subs supporting me, they were quoting and said " "oh this is beautiful!" um no the fuck its not?" ... you don't care. why are you trying to be a hero when you clearly dont gaf about peoples feelings? also one last thing. and the person on instagram did this too btw. they... called me mentally ill. i dont think you can assume this stuff about people online..? i already crashed out about this in my discord server OH I KNOW everyone there wants me dead already. i cant go anywhere else. i cant go talk to a friend, i cant go talk to my parents because i fucking hate them, i cant go anywhere, i have no one. im really sorry to everyone in the server, im a really bad person for taking my feelings out there so often. im getting too parasocial. dont just go around calling people mentally ill. im not mentally ill. imagine how it must feel when you post vent art just to have people calling you sick in the head. but as i said before, thats what i deserve for trying to shock people. either way, im mad about the little things yeah of course. their main point was that i didnt put a tw. a fucking tw wont do shit you... idiot. im getting mad over a dumb little kid. how dare you try telling me what to do you dumb bitch huh? guess what im gonna do aha? im not bringing a knife but thanks to you i will CUT MY FUCKING LEGS TEN TIMES AS MUCH AS I USUALLY DO!!! HOPE YOURE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF!!!!! i CANT WAIT!!!! its going to hurt so much when i wash it off, im a little scared. maybe ill count the days since the last time my cute little darling talked to me and multiply by ten...13 days. almsot 2 weeks ago. ive got to endure this for another few weeks? now that i think about it, i want to cut my hand up again. i let it heal for too long. kolya thinks so too.. right?

i'm such a wuss. but i somehow got blood on the shower curtain haha, how clumsy... still a wuss. didnt do as much as i wanted, but i think that was my max anyway because i didnt feel good. legs felt weak... im always wondering if i can die of blood loss this way. obviously not. its just skin. and im not suicidal. although i might just go and end it if she doesnt come back to me by the end of next month. thats all the time im giving you bae. less than 2 months. after that, im not going to be in the second year of high school nope. im not suicidal. ive still got some light in my life, like toya. i truly do love him. but i love you more. please come back. ive had enough. OH i know why the rainbow is in the distance!!!! its because im violent and talking about "self harm" and that must be so gross. love is just not admitting it. why not? im asking you to talk all the time. and youre just quiet. you couldnt be more obvious about being uninterested in talking to me. just how horrible am i for you to keep doing this all the time? oh i got way off topic im sorry
https://on.soundcloud.com/1N7jaurJnC9MrXwH2L
anyway... ended up arguing with them. people must be forgetting that there are actual people behind the art. okay i argued with them who cares, i still want to talk about the earlier thing. what is wrong with you??? completely shitting on my art and calling me mentally ill? i wanted to say something bad right now but i think i shouldnt. hey so i think you shouldnt tell people this kind of stuff. hot take!! yes im twisting their words i dont care, i can interpret it how i want. im the one experiencing this, im the artist here. NOT YOU. FUCKING CUNT. bitchass must have no idea how it feels to be hated by everyone huh???? im SO DONE!!! IM SCARED! I DONT THINK I HAVE A PLACE TO BE ANYMORE, EVERYONE FUCKING HATES ME!!! ON YOUTUBE I GET DUMB PEOPLE WANTING ME TO KILL MYSELF, MY SERVER IS DYING ALREADY BECAUSE I RUINED EVERYTHING, TH E LOVE OF MY LIFE IS DEAD AND HATES ME SO MUCH ITS UNBEARABLE, AT SCHOOL EVERYONE PROBABLY HATES ME MY WHOLE CLASS HATES ME AND AHTES BEING AROUND ME EVERYONE HATES BEING AROUND ME NOT EVEN MY FRIENDS FROM MIDDLE SCHOOL LIKE ME NOW WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT ME FUCKING DEAD WHY?!?!WHY !! WYHW HY WHY WHY?! i just wanted to be loved.. i shouldnt have taken my only real friend for granted. i shouldnt have been seeking attention from others when she was gone, i shouldve just waited... maybe thats why this is all happening to me. everyones ignoring me already, theres no need to tell people to ignore me and my art.
argued with them and they just wouldnt get it. its my fault that kids are on youtube and can stumble upon my content. self report i see. my reason for not putting tws is that it ruins the art and takes out the msg. when you put a tw ur just telling people "hey look im cutting myself im beating myself in the stomach everyday because i hate myself" oh speaking of that i havent eaten dinner today, this better continue every day or ill get really fucking mad and yeah. its shit anyway, i dont need it. not even breakfast, not even lunch. i dont need anything. maybe a cookie......................
also that person used a shrug emoji on me which pissed me off more than it should have. im still mad about it. i hate the human emojis, especially the android ones. just for that i hope you get mauled by a dog, commenter. hey ima hater too, but atleast i dont openly comment rude shit. if they worded it like a mature human being with feelings and who truly cares about others, i wouldve tried to change a little bit atleast. and my week wouldnt be ruined. just fucking think for once. youre not being a hero youre being a fucking cunt. bet theyre making fun of me with their friend now laughing at my responses because that person used smarter words than me. btw they support a gamedev who put incest in their game just so you know! :)
i've got nothing more to say except that im really thankful for everyone who defended me. atleast im not completely alone in this.

next i want to talk abouttt... oh! i think i figured out how to do the toya anim. i didnt progress yet but i think ik what to do now. hopefully it wont take too long. 10 days left haha... ahh... toyas birthday without my dear lovely friend. how about i get a noose?
next next next i successfully installed ubuntu linux on my old asus laptop yesterday!!! no its not 2 am! its still may 15.. its not 16th .. nope... anyway. i downloaded moebuntu theme stuff. i actually wanted to do this last year. i got puppy linux on it and i got confused. and then i just didnt properly install it lol. i spent so long on it too ugh. it took me less than an hour to install ubuntu. prob bc its more popular so it has the setup and everything. anyway it works, firefox is a bit slow bc its the internet but otherwise its fine. 1 gb ram btw... im pretty sure my old phone has 2 or 4 i forgot. oh my god why is it so cold in my room... you know what im going to bed and ill continue this entry the next day.

i.. woke up late. i barely held myself back. i usually crash out when this happens and get my pen. i think i calmed down. i need sleep sometimes i guess... but its still such a waste of time. i went to sleep at 2 am and slept for 10 hours. but im still mad... I CANT HELP IT!!!! whatever, i remember more stuff i wanted to talk about. its about the comment again yeah im not done lol.
the gore thing... youre stupid. youre basically upset over a little bit of blood. look at this

i see no fucking difference. youre DEFINETIVELY not freaking out about yanderes, so why freak out about MY DAMN ART???? WHO CARES THAT THERES A KNIFE STUCK IN HIS ABDOMEN I FEEL LIKE STABBING MYSELF INT HE STOMACH WHY CANT I DRAW IT,??? WHY CANT I DRAW WHAT I FEEL LIKE DRAWING? WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DRAWING TOYA KILLING SOMEONE AND TOYA STABBING HIMSELF?!!??!?! i dont understand why people are like this. its not harming anyone. its not my problem either if it did harm someone. nobody cares about me, nobody online cares about others, so why should i? it would be futile! pointless. youre just picking on me at this point. you have no idea how to talk to people who are strggling. im repeating myself i know. but holy shit if ur gonna be STRAIGHT UP disrespectful about it then just dont open your mouth. again, youre not helping anyone. right now youre just harming me more than the people i harmed with my art. how can my art even harm anyone???? im not drawing FUCKING PORN IM NOT DRAWING GORE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?!?! by the way. one of my EVIL supporters who are SOOOO SCARY because they support ME a person who is STRUGGLING and they RELATE TO EM because theyre ALSO STRUGGLING AND FEEL COMFORTED BY MY ART WHICH MEANS THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE ASWELL.. they commented on their vid like being all nice and respectful trying to tell them what tehy said to me wasnt good and liek ok the person who fucking hates me and wants me to kms replied to them also beign nice which is good maybe they realized they did something bad??? oh oh ohhhh boy. AHA, GUESS WHAT!!! THEY DELETED THE COMMENT LFMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO btw you wont find the person bc the post they commented on was an expiring post, so im free to talk i dont care. during these moments... i really wish the rainbow was with me and comforting me. anyway. again about the tws... i have a little example again.

(this is an alternate ver of the drawing i actually posted on yt btw hehe only you, my dear kolya, are getting this exclusive..)
do you see the difference? no, not the likes.. i dont care about likes... pfft.. do you see it? youre just straight up telling people that youre mentally struggling when u add tws. tell me, why would you do that? i dont think people who are struggling want to admit that. i dont either. btw i lost 2 subs thanks dude.
telling me to keep my art to myself is really weird too. i want attention, leave me be. also i hate kids i dont care if they get traumatized, its their parents' fault for not monitoring them. anyway this person is a kid and a hypocrite, i really shouldnt be this mad over a dumb comment. but i still am. why did both of these people post about me? the first person on insta posted on their story about me calling me their opp. "my opp just commented on one of ym psots" bro i just wanted to comment to see more akitoya on my fyp can you leave me alone? and this time i had a vid made about me, cool. i dont care tho bc this person is smaller than me so there werent any comments like "omg yes i always knew they were problematic omg i hate their art too". the first person did though... there was 1 reply asking what i did and then they ganged up on me w the person. anyway in the end im not the bad one here. im not making hurtful comments on ppl posts, i keep that to myself and just talk shit somewhere else about it. like here lol. atleast i think about others in some way.

yesterday, friday, i was falling asleep in class. i forgot which class it was, but.. i was half asleep and an image popped up in my head. that my darling texted me. this might be the 5th time already... just how many more times will this happen? hope you return soon! ill wait. i think i can endure a little more.. right? i think so. i have no other choice anyway.
i wanted to talk about thursday too. i got a fuckass 5 from my last economics test. weight 10. 5 in czechia is an F. weight 10 is max, big tests are usually weight 10 so like those u take in the middle of the school year. if i get a 1, which is an A, with weight 1 thats basically an A for class activity. hope i explained it fine.. um. next, czech was HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!! and i came late for class too because my bus was 10 minutes late. thought i could breathe but no. we had to make a 4 line poem. you know like..

my name is david,
dad, i want some icecream.
david,
that is my name.
it had to had to be a propagandistic poem about socialism. hey man im not a poet. i dont know how to shove propaganda in it either because i dont know what socialism really is. i dont know the traits. its just a word to me. a few letters. oh im really stupid arent i? i dont think anyone can just make a fuckass poem that rhymes in TEN FUCKING MINS??? and it was a group task too btw. but i already saw that the 2 cunts in my class were teaming up with the guys theyre thirsting over so i just stayed at my desk. you cant force me to do group work when nobody wants to work with me. i hate teachers so much... anyway. he put me in a group with a pair of 2 guys. i got a chair, sat beside them and just didnt do shit. you cant expect me to do this BULLSHIT. everyone was quiet and we didnt do anything, we didnt make the poem. btw we were sitting right infront of the teacher which was even worse bc he was bothering us. gen what did he expect bruh i dont talk to those two guys. literally the worst combination of people ever. i mean the pair were friends... ugh whatever he wasnt mad or anything, but it ruined my fucking thursday. but! last 2 classes got cancelled that day yayyy!!! so i had 4 classes that day.

um... yesterday, something kinda nice happened to me. it must've been fate feeling bad for me! basically, bus schedules are really weird this month because some roads got closed due to reconstructions that are going on there and now some buses were like cancelled, some buses now come earlier/later and soem buses take longer to get to my school/home. idk why i needed to mention that im sorry it was pointless. anyway i was going home and i got on a bus that could either drive straight to my city but it stops at a bus stop which is a little further from my home. its not THAT far but its annoying to go that way all the time. i could do that OR i could step out at a certain stop and wait 10 mins for another bus that would get to the bus stop which is way closer to my home, which i prefer, and it would get there a little earlier than the other bus. i decided to step out and wait for my bus because its friday and i really ddint want to walk haha... i dont like changing buses mid way because its scary. what if i got on the wrong bus stop, you know? kinda risky. but i did it. also the bus driver on that bus remembers me bc i take that bus in the morning :) so when it came i got on it right? i sat somewhere where there was a free seat beside mine for my bag. but that was a pair of seats that has another pair infront of you, so basically a set of 4 seats. and there was someone infront of me. and on that seat i was facing the way we were going with my back.. uh.. idk how to explain... okay drawing it is.

sadly i get motion sick and its really annoying. i think most people get sick when theyre sitting like that too. well i think?? idk i dont wanna sound like im making myself special okay. anyway why am i talking about this so much... i just saw the other free pair of seats and liked taht more so i went there. now mind you, i nearly didnt go there bc id get a stare or two for changing seats randomly. so i set my bag there, im sitting down and i see a pin on the floor. oh my god. i was really happy because oh what could it be?! imagine its something i know!!!! so i pick it up and turn it around to see whats on it and OHH MY GOD!!!!!! ITS COLUMBINA!!!! I WAS SO HAPPY AHHH!!!! for context, columbina is a character from genshin impact. shes not one of my favourites, but i do like her. and genshin is one of my fav games. it was my main game before pjsk. ive been playing for a few years now and i still play genshin to this day. i dont get on every day because of how ive been feeling but im still pretty active in the game. anyway i stole it hehehe finders keepers!!! your fault for not checking ur backpack pins hehehe. its a bit weird to me because its rare to find people palying genshin here too hahaa... but im a bad person so whenever i see alt people or people with my "niche" interests i just think theyre larping. they must be..!!! cool people dont exist outside of america.. ahahaa.... no nono ... czechia is horrible.. everyone is terrible here... anyway imagine i decided to be lazy and didnt change buses. imagine i decided to be lazy and not change seats... imagine... wahhh... im so happy that fate led me to the pin. i like owning things if you couldnt tell by the way.

i just remembered how someone got mad at one of my post captions where i said that ppl who vape should die. i think thats what i said, not sure... they were defending vapers saying that its an addiction and not their fault. youre telling me they have to vape in public on bus stops and its not their fault that theyre not considerate of others around them?????? god shut the fuck up, mustve felt called out. im doing the same thing but atleast im notbothering people in public about my addictions bruh. vapers and smokers are polluting the air and forcing people to breathe in the pink cupcake sprinkle pepper mint fumes which are killing them aswell. theyre harming others with their addiction, they deserve the hate. suck on that robo dih at home or in less crowded places idiot.
oh my god its already 6pm and i didnt do shit all day i really need to kill myself im not sleeping ever again ihate myself so much. i slept for 10 hours and im still tired whats the point in trying?

i have a video ive been holding back from finishing for a while. bc its a yapping vid, basically school doodles. its been sitting in capcut since february. i feel like im not allowed to post it... i need to upload more art. speaking of art i need to start working on the toya anim soon...
oh god i have 50 thousand tests next week what do i do... there are alot of classes that were cancelled but not all..... ..... .. what. im going to kill someone i have ANOTHER pe on thursday?????? THIRD PE THAT WEEK??? aRE YOU KIDDING ME???? 3 PE CLASSES IN ONE WEEK?? ohhhh god WHEN WILL THIS END IM SO TIRED PLEASE!!!! wait what the fuck oh my god 5 classes next friday instead of 7?! yes im taking that thank you....... im not taking the 2 physics classes on friday.. DUDE WHATS HAPPENING MY SCHEDULE IS A MESS HELP!!!!!! PLEASE NOOO I HOPE THEY REMOVE THE PE PLEASE OH MY GOD IF THEY DONT REMOVE IT IM GOING TO BEG MY MOM TO LET ME SKIP A DAY OR TWO GOD PLEAS PELASE PELASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! i hve a test on monday, test on wednesday that i need to ask my classmates to help me study for (im dead) and the whole week im supposed to be working on 2 group projects and some list of math problems... waahhhh i want to kill someone... ME!!! I WANT TO KILL MYESELF!!!!! NO NO I DONT!!! BUT IM NERVOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!! RAINBOW SAVE ME!!!! SAVE MESAVE ME SAVE ME HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HEPL EHPL HELP!!! help. im sad now. i dont want to do anything either. what if ill stay alone forever? what if this is the end for me... im scared. i dont give a shit about school i just want my friend back. im scared that it wont be the same ever again... its like that already!!! i cant see you the same way anymore. i cant talk to you the same way anymore... why cant it be like back then? i really, really dont want anyone else. this dumbass guy texting me, hes like "hi hi hi", i open the notif and either my insta bugged or he actually deleted the damn text (edit: my insta bugged im a little embarrassed now...). please stop... why are people doing this to me? im not playing along with your stupid games. im tired of trying to cope by talkign to other people. nothing helps, i just want my lovely friend to come back. i get sad, draw, post it, and on top of that i get people telling me to not post that. leave me alone. can everyone just leave me alone?!
ugh this whole entry is just "random bullshit GO!!!"... i need to rant online sometimes okay. anyway i started recording a vid ab my old laptop but my mom came back so i guess ill continue tomorrow. i have the urge to start another social media account uughhhhhh.. like maybe tumblr? i wanted to be on twitter but on twitter people can just tell u to kys and twitter doesnt gaf. and nobody goes on tumblr... unnhh... and im done with insta too. and i wont even try tiktok. i need something where i can just post some bullshit. but when i go through accounts like this, i dont want to scroll and look through everything so idk. and im also still confused with how tumblr works arhhh ar ar ar. ims o FREAKING DONE PLEASE KILL ME IM TIRED OF WAITING HELP

literally just venting because i cant take it anymore. its a mess and has weird shit in it

I don't think i care anymore... about certain things. There's no use in chasing rainbows! It's futile. Oh but no no, I DO care! I can't imagine living without the rainbow. Oh but you KEEP DISAPPEARING! HOW FUN! RIGHT?! Its so fun. im having SOOO much fun being alone. ALL! ALONE! iwhtout anyone. nobody who'd listen. literally nobody. i have given up a few times now but im still coming back with a little bit of hope. No... i have moments where i think i dont care, but i also have moments where i start having a crisis and then im just overthinking and painting out the rainbow to be a whole different person in my head. im so tired! my cute colorful rainbow... where have you gone again? im losing hope every single time you do this. youve done this so many many times, but this time was the worst. i couldnt even take all your color in before you were gone again. no time to heal, nothing! harsh. like ripping a bandage off my knee. have you no shame? i dont like being alone. have you NO shame? oh my dear rainbow, stop telling me lies! but i dont want to hear the harsh truth either. but then youre just quiet. sweet rainbow, talk to me. tell me all of your dark secrets. ill tell you one of mine! im a dirty little masochist and its nobody elses fault than yours! YOURE THE ONE TO BLAME! its all your fault. its not a joke anymore. im not joking! its all your fault. all of it. your... fault! now youre running from me?! am i scary? im weird! im scary, i know! if you hadnt done this, i wouldnt be like this and everything wouldve been fine. all of my pain leads back to you, my sweet rainbow in the distance. why am i even calling you "sweet"? you didnt seem interested in talking to me. you werent interested in talking to me. you arent interested in talking to me! you never were... were you? dear rainbow, tell me what im doing wrong please! i will fix myself, i will fix my issues for you. just stop telling me lies. you dont love me, you dont cherish our time together. when was the last time we spent our time together actually? over 2 months ago i think. ahhhh i get it youre busy. why not tell me about it though? im here. ill listen. but i must be horrible at responding if you arent telling me anything then? see? i have to assume what you think because youre doing this for too long. hehe. and then i think and assume more. spiraling spiraling... kuruuu... and then youre a monster in my head! a cruel monster. during these times i also think about how you must feel. i must be horrible... I MUST BE A TERRIBLE PERSON! just imagine someone assumign the worst stuff ever about you just because you stopped responding for a day. but can you blame me? i thought of the rainbow as the love of my life. i want to forever be with the rainbow. but the rainbow is running away from me and i cant do anything about it. i could try harder, but theres a big risk that if i start sprinting, the rainbow will get scared and completely disappear. forever...
i am.. a blindfolded puppy.

I hate being alone. i am an introvert, asocial one at that! an asocial introvert with deep hatred for people around me. i cannot get myself to like people in real life and i dont think i ever will. i am. asocial. but FUCK" OH I LOVE TALKING! I LOVE TALKING SO MUCH!!!! I need to talk to people or ill go insane. but not being able to overshare like i want to, to my dearest loveliest rainbow, its deeply harming me. thank god ive got some people i can talk to online, but thats not enough. im really grateful that theyre here, although i cant rely on them. if i didnt have these people i think i would be sent to an asylum. isolation hurts. it hurts so much! oh dear rainbow, how are you still alive? youre all alone in isolation! or. or you already found someone better than me. i really hope its not true. im the only one for you. you dont need any other friends than me! im the most loyal puppy ever, im the best! only me, love only me! only talk to me. or tell me about everyone youre friends with. please? i want to know everything... thats what true partners do, sweetie. arent we partners? the best of friends? but a best friend wouldnt do this, right? why bother lying to me tthat you love me then? why bother apologizing when youre still going to do it again? what are you gaining from me? unnhh.. uhhhnnnnnn... ahhh... my head hurts just thinking about this, mu.. Life's going to gut me like a fish if youre not here. please come back and say that it was all a joke. ill laugh! hahahaaaa ahh!! ahhhhhh AHRG FUCK FUCK YOU i hate you ohhh i hate you so much i hATE YOU SO MUCH I HATE YOU!!! I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE!!! I HATE YOU ACTUALLY IVE HATED YOU FOR 2 YEARS NOW BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID BEHAVIOUR THATS BEEN GOING ON FOR SO LONG!!!! BEHAVE YOURSELF BE NICE TO ME WHY ARENT YOU NICE TO ME WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU DID BEFORE?! OH IM SO CONFUSED! LOVELY MY DEAR! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! LET ME SAVE YOU! I WILL LISTEN. I WILL DO ANYTHING! I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!!!!!! ANYHTING! IM AT YOUR FEET, LET ME DO SOMETHING! STOP LEAVING! stop. stop!!!! SOPTSTOP STOP STOP SOTP! STOP STOP! STOP! LOOK AT WHAT IVE TURNED INTO! A VIOLENT MONSTER ONLY THINKING ABOUT BLOOD AND WOUNDS! DISGUSTING!!!!!! A DISGUSTING THING! IM NOT HUMAN ANYMORE! I DONT FEEL HUMAN, I DONT FEEL ALIVE! IVE BEEN DEAD FOR A WHILE NOW! YOU MADE ME VIOLENT, ITS YOUR FAULT! YOUR FAULT! YOURE THEO NLY ONE TO BLAME! IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT KILLING WAY TOO OFTEN, EVERY DAMN DAY! IVE BEEN THREATENING MY DAMN SIBLIGNS! IVE BEEN PULLING OUT SHARP TOOLS ON THEM TO SCARE THEM! AH! THE SCREAMING IS SO ANNOYING! BUT I CANT HELP IT! I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MY RAGE NOW, I JUST CANT HELP IT BUT FEEL LIKE KILLING SOMEONE! AT SCHOOL I JUST WANT EVERYONE DEAD!!! IVE BEEN DAYDREAMING ABOUT GRABBING SOMETHING SHARP AND SHOVING IT RIGHT THROUGH THIS ONE GIRL'S ABDOMEN IN MY CLASS. SHES SO FUCKING ANNOYING I JUST WANT HER TO DROP OUT ALREADY! SHES SO DAMN STUPID, BET SHES GOSSIPING ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME HUH?! YOUR FRIEND TOO! I WILL KILL HER TOO!!! I WANT TO KILL HER! PIERCE A SCREWDRIVER RIGHT THROUGH YOU! DEAD! EVERYONE DEAD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!! ANNOYING CUNTS ON THE BUS?! YOU ALL WILL BE DEAD! I WANT TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH! I WANT TO TACKLE YOU TO THE GROUND AND STAB ALL OVER AND OVER AGAIN! OH MY POOR DESK! IVE BEEN HITTING IT WITH MY FISTS SO OFTEN, IT MUST HURT! ALWAYS RAGING, ALWAYS UPSET! IM ALWAYS ANGRY! OH AND THE TEACHERS?! ALL OF YOU! SHOT! DEAD! IF I WERE TO EVER COMMIT GENOCIDE, I WOULD GO FOR THE CHEMISTRY TEACHER FIRST! AND THEN THE PHYSICS TEACHER! AND THEN. CZECH TEACHER! AND THEN EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE BECAUSE WE MUSTNT LEAVE THEM ALIVE! another thing i do when im extremely mad is cut my knees open with this broken pen of mine. the metal clip made to clip the pen to your shirt broke and now theres a sharp bit sticking out of it. hehe. i cant stop anymore. its addictive and way easier to use than an actual knife. and it heals fast... i think. i cant tell, i havent stopped since i started a few months ago, i dont want my legs to look "normal" anymore, because red is the norm now. ive grown to love blood because of this. its sexy isnt it? seeing blood trickle down my legs while washing it all away in the shower... it all started over a year ago, my dad wasnt speaking to me in a nice way and he was yelling at me about some bullshit. maybe i was in 8th grade, maybe in 9th. i got so upset i grabbed a knife and thought "oh people do this when theyre upset" so i did a cut on my thumb. and then i cried more. embarrassing, huh? and i thought i did something crazy. i shouldnt have mentioned that to the rainbow at all. it was pathetic. then i was really stressed about choosing a high school in 9th grade. i was so stressed and upset with my mom bothering me all the time that i grabbed the knife and i think i scratched my abdomen with it really hard. and then it hit me. hey this is actually kinda hot. and it is. its really sexy..! im so glad i started. i didnt do it too often because im a wuss. ... atleast i was. the stomach is a sensitive area okay? i dont understand why our skin there isnt more thick since thats where all of our organs are, ahh.did you know a human is like a balloon? you can die anytime, anywhere. sorry, back on the topic. i dont know when i started doing that to the back of my hand but at some point it escalated and then highschool happened. i was already going through some stuff because of my lovely rainbow from that summer. but oh god. at some point the rainbow vanished again! AND I COULDNT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! on halloween i fucked the back of my hand again after a while of not doing so and then it was over from there. this december was the worst month of my life. i keep mentioning it, i know. "ugh this month was horrible!" im serious now. december was so shit. and it wasnt even that long ahha! it wasnt a full month. but some things happened during that month. hmmm.. liek i got bold and started fucking my legs and knees up too. CANT STOP ANYMORE!!! if i dont have blood on my hands for just one day, it feels like i forgot to do something. something crucial is missing. the back of my hand used to be my favourite spot, now its my knees because nobody can see. wel.. except for pe. i hate pe. i now hide in the stinky shower rooms without the damn door whenever i change. thank god there are only 3 otehr girls besides me in my class and one of them frequently disappears for a few weeks. says alot about her hmm? she goes on vacations all the time and every one loves her. and shes one of those girls who are almost pulling their hair out just to have the tightest fucking ponytail ever. ah yes, the most disgusting teenager ever, me, is judging other girls. well i dont care what you think. i fucking hate that hairstyle. people who do that are always SUUUUCH A BITCH! and my LOOOOOVELY chemistry teacher also has that hairstyle. maybe i have soemthing against ponytail aha. i do actually. the moment pe is over im RIPPING THE HAIRTIE OUT OF MY HAIR because it looks gross on me. i wont let me hair get too long anymore though. i want it short. why am i talking abput my appearance now? i dont exist in real life hehe! im an evil violent spirit haunting everyone. speaking of my asocial behaviour... i dont have friends because i dont want friends. i dont want ANYONE to get close to me because i only want my dear rainbow to be my friend. my best friend. ive had this fear of making friends forever now. and now..! last week, a guy approached me at the bus stop out of nowhere when i was omw to school. asked me to maybe be friends because i looekd lonely. well yeah. ive no friends at school. everyone hates me, i hate everyone. oh and online too! everyone online hates me. thats why i dont make friends nor rely on people. ugh i cant even rely on the rainbow. rainbow, rainbow let me bash your skull against a wall! then ill tie you up, tape your lying mouth and we'll be a perfect couple and stay forever.. and... ever..? i just got a thought. what if the rainbow never returns? tells me that the rainbow doesnt want to be friends anymore? unadds me, blocks me? i think i would kill myself... oh i cant stand the thought of it! it hurts so much, even more than washing my legs! its been hurting more than usual lately. it literally stings like an open wound even though its not made by a knife. oh what have i done... i mightve overdone it. but i dont care really. it wont kill me, its not hurting anyone. why would you tell people online to stop doing it? "ahhh its bad its bad wahh wahh wahhhh!!!" why? why is it bad? they wont bleed out. unless theyre literally shoving glass shards into their wrists. ive never touched my wrist, because i truly, dont want to die. i really dont. just recently i had a life crisis where i started freaking out because im going to grow old one day. the thought of death is unbearable. but the thought of my sweet sweet darling not returning? thats even worse! what am i talking about? i didnt finish. Kolya, stop me next time you idiot. and you, gash on my left arm, STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!! WHY ARE YOU DEEP RED?! but thats actually kinda sexy. i crashed out earlier because i wasted time lying in my bed after school. i hit my desk a few times and did this and that with my tool. i wonder when my parents will find out. when will i forget the pen on the top shelf and get a speech from my dad? speaking of my dad can you stop hugging me haha i hate you dad i dont give a shit about anything you say! im not going out with the family, i dont care. i dont love any of you guys. hey Kolya i said stop me next time, IDIOT!

This guy at the bus stop asked me tobe friends with him. the walk to school was awkward and i ended up having to add him on insta, on my school account of course. if anybody from my class finds out about my art im going to commit genocide yandere simulator style, nyahahaha! now. this guy keeps bothering me every single day. hes larping miku, thinking hes cool for clearing a lv26 master on pjsk and says that virtual singer is his fav group. DIE!!!! this morning i went to school with him again and OHHHH GODIT WAS SO AWKWARD I HATE HIM! i never go out my way to talk to him. thats how all of my friendships end. i thought he was done with me after that but nope, he wanted to hang out with me after school. well i gave him an excuse and said i cant. i didnt want to anyway because i had 7 classes today AND! IM NOT WASTING MY PRECIOUS TIME ON A MAN! i have the love of ym life already. although unresponsive... nh. well i went with him to the snackbar during lunch anyway bc i felt bad. he bought me a soda. that was really nice of him but i panicked and chose 7up, really shit. i shouldve gotten the shit coffee. also if i went out with him after school it wouldve been awkward, i dont have anything to talk to him about. we dont share interests. why would i tell him about things i like? i dont really know him. hes a troublemaker too. hes been sending me vids during class and i have some vms from him yet to respond to. i just... i cant! im sorry. i cant. im not in the mood. i feel some type of way. i feel neglected! like a dumb dog... useless dog... worthless! because im not loved. i wonder what i did to you to not deserve your love. you said.. you said you feel bad about what youve done. but then you proceeded to do it again. avoiding me everywhere, even on games. shame on you... No. shame on me for feeling this way. i cant give you privacy, that must make me a piece of shit, eh? whatever.

do you know why i say im nihilistic? its like im almost giving up. i dont care about my damn grades anymore. i dont care about my future. it doesnt matter. and life is just torture at this point too. now i wonder, am i truly inlove or just trying to act like i am inlove to have a reason to be here? this isn't really nihilism is it? i'm just sad

a grown ass man (probably man because women arent like this) recently commented on one of my posts, calling me a "self diagnosed angsty teenage girl" ...what? i never diagnosed myself with anything. and you got baited. toya with his legs cut up, just like mine. its just to shock people really. i like being a rebel and weirding people out because on the internet people seem to not like that kind of art. heh, why? is it hurting you? is it assaulting you? i actually myself find it weird for people to draw healed cuts on their thighs and arms. its weird. draw them open and red. draw flesh. if you healed or something and feel like you won, or something, and are proud of yourself, or something, then why draw it at all? youre just making yourself think about the self harm more. its weird. i might get in trouble for this in a few years, but right now i dont care. i want to say whats on my mind. i actually also dont like people venting in my comment sections? hot take? havent had that in a while so thank god. and i dont like weirdossaying weird shit on my art like "i wanna beat him up", how dare you? beat up my toya? im going to kill you and your whole family. just kidding. for legal reasons, im joking around. im just a mumbling idiot. a barking dog... a dead one. why is a dead dog barking, hehe.. doesnt make sense... i also think this is a more acceptable statement but i dont like people assuming stuff about my art and getting it completely wrong or just making jokes about it. no guys my art is not silly, i dont think so. if you feel called out, forget i said anything. im sorry. i just dont want kids on my channel who dont know what theyre getting into. speaking of kids i hate my old videos theyre so damn corny and shit that i feel like brutally beating my old self to death sometimes. speaking of myself! i drew myself recently but i just cant get myself to finish the piece. i feel so disgusted looking at it. i really do hate my self and body. i like my mind and thoughts though. its my safe space.

Recently i got back into bsd because i finally got the motivation to open bsd mayoi. its really fun, ive been getting on every day for a week now. its a nice recap of the story too. and some extra stories are nice too. i like dazai way more than before now, hehe.. favourite card right now? Dazai's sr school card, it's funny. i wish to weight like 13 year old underweight me, thank you. random, who cares. i dont like my tits because the way i dress doesnt make me look good. the only thing about my body that i like are my arms probably. and hands, because i see them 24/7. oh to be one of you priviledged fucks! i really do hate people around me. did you know im allergic to all sorts of dust? scratching my arm all the time does not feel good, especially when summer is coming and the trees are blooming. and im killing my lungs by having 5 thousand plushies in my bed too. fufu... oh to be a cute little skinny moe girl... i really want to delete that drawing of me right now. i feel gross everytime i look at it. i dont want it to be me. i dont want me to exist, if i was a killer and chose victims based on who looks the most gross i think i would go for me first. ..ahh that sounds stupid. please just kill me already... another random thing. i noticed that if you keep cutting the same area like your knees all the time it starts bleeding way easier next time, requiring less and less strength and pressure. it starts hurting more each time though. also i have a few more things i want to talk about. i said that i don't care about school in a nihilistic way. well yeah high school is just torture now. it's cool that the teachers don't really give a shit about us and aren't monitoring us as much as in grade school, elementary school??? idk. 1st-9th grade kind of school. these terms are really confusing for me, sorry. i'm trilingual. i can just look it up actually instead of making excuses ha.. okay so it's elementary and middle school, wow that took me so long to look up. whatever, where was i? help? whenever i start ranting its such a mess because i type out whatever comes to mind. anyway, its cool that we can just go to the damn lockers now without waiting for the fuckass teacher to get their things to bring us there and shit. we've got 2 vending machines, 1 for food and the other for coffee. i often get coffee there which is nice too. theres a buffet, which i never visit, too. yeah all that is cool. but high school is still torture. its all because it feels like a waste of time and I. HATE. WASTING. TIME. thats why i crashed out earlier to that point. i dont even remember if i said that i did, i dont care. same thing happened a few weeks ago, i dont know if i like that. whatever, have i already mentioned school being torture? oh right. waste of time. and all i do there is draw or do boring stuff on my phone. BORING! BORING BORING BORING! NOTHING'S FUN ANYMORE, I CANT SPEND TIME WITH ANYONE EITHER! and on top of that there are those fuckass teachers that force us into groups. which is a terrible fucking choice, considering this is comp science. its filled with introverts and nerds. are they even thinking? NO!!! tehy dont care about kids' feelings. nobody does these days. but teachers should care atleast a little. ugh. ive been writing this for 2 days now so ive got more stuff to talk about from today. today was class photo day (idk what its called in english) and the thing is, i forgot. completely. i remembered 5 mins before class but it was already too late, im not going home lol it would take an hour. so i just wasnt dressed fancy unlike other girls. but boy, i dont care anymore. its a waste of money too. 2 dollars for an ugly ass picture that im NEVER displaying, oh boy! i wouldnt wear anything special anyway. probably just a button shirt, idk. i dont like wearing dresses. i like anime girls in dresses and skirts though. personally, i don't wear that stuff because i don't see myself as a girl. i'm kind of androgynous, dyeh. but i still like cute anime girls. i wish i was a cute anime girl... i wouldnt have to worry about anything! one day ill get a job and save up for a moe kigurumi mask, hehe..! anyway. speaking of not seeing myself as a girl, i stopped seeing people as people a long while ago. i dont think of their feelings, i think of them being made of flesh and bones and pulsing red and blue wires going through their whole body. i see them as things. ive mentioned liking my hands... i stare at my hands alot. i look at them to the point that i like pressing one vein, stopping the blood flow, and then letting go and watch as it fills itself up again. and repeat... we are interesting things to observe. ...is there something wrong with my head? i get off topic so frequently, i cant talk normally anymore. i mix up the order of words in sentences, i mess up every time i open my mouth. im getting really pissed off by this habit of mine. where did i leave off..? oh right so yeah the girls were in dresses and coincidentally, all 3 were in black dresses. guys... the world is on the brink of death.. where is the color? i understand black looks sexy and shit but holy shit, everything looks boring. thats why my site looks like shit and doesnt have a color scheme and NOTHING blends in. everything stands out, doesnt it? it looks bad, doesnt it? dont lie to yourself! it looks bad. i know it looks terrible. off topic again, just wow. can somebody please beat me with a metal pipe pwease? preferably my lvoely darling because darling the only one i will always forgive no matter what. :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3 i really hate this emoji because ragebaiters use it and no matter how genuine you are when using it, you piss me off. not like that type of people would read this far lol. right???? right? im actually just a hateful person, feel free tooooo... kill me! where did i leave off? right. the guys in my class.. some put something different on, but most guys didnt. so i didnt feel too bad. plus i was wearing my fav turtleneck today. thank god. but we had our picture taken outside... and it was the morning. so it was cold..... AND WINDY!!!! and i have bangs. and my hair was really fucked today, so i probably look really stupid on the picture. shivering, not looking at the camera because my dumbass forgot i was supposed to do that, sitting in between 2 females (i forgot who the other person was actually but 1 of them was a girl for sure) so i prob looked uncomfortable as hell and i, god... sigh... probably the worst picture i had ever taken. also my bangs were being blown to the side the whole time. i couldnt even fix them because the dumbass photographer was rushing. atleast he didnt bother us about some "Ladies, put your hands on your knees! Hey you, smile! Hey you straighten up!". in high school, nobody cares really, eh?

btw i didn't finish talking about school. for the 20th time, its torture. im so sick of it already. i cant wait for it to end. it wouldve been fine if i wasnt all alone. if the love of my life was always by my side, i wouldve been fine. on the other hand, im glad this is happening. i dont want to be happy. is that weird? i want Toya to be happy though. my cute little boy... oh my god recently i went to the cinema, like the whole school did, and it was about kafka and holy fuck it was so shit. the amount of sex scenes was really annoying. and i heard there was uncensored dih but i didnt see bc i immediately looked away. so mature...! ugh im not going to watch hetslop!!!! disgusting! and it was also impossible to fall asleep there because idk the movie was so shit i couldnt even sleep through it. no actually i was curious.. i was watching partially because the actor for kafka looked skinny and i really wanted to observe him. not because im a straight weirdo, but because its art inspo :) i do this often, im staring at people and im thinking about how i would draw their body. mostly men, because i hate looking at girls irl. they make me mad just by existing. and im also envious, partially. anyway kafka's actor was super skinny, i wish i could take pictures uuunnnghh... because i forgot everything. yes i can look it up online but come on.. my poor search history... jarvis, show me pictures of naked male torsos!!!! look who got off topic again, kekek... you want to bash my head with a metal bat..? oh.. okay.... sorry..

im so tired of school, im just so damn tired!!!! my sleep schedule is fucked, i get 4 hours of sleep everyday MAX! ITS DRIVING ME INSANE! AND ITS ALL MY FAULT :( why is everything easier to do at night..? i feel so unmotivated during daytime. sunlight makes me mad. im really tired of school, im considering begging my mom for a week off. but. i cant. shes the type to force me to go to pe no matter what. and i also really dont want to ask one of the girls for notes. and i dont want to do 5 tests at once when i come back. too much. were barely doing anything, but... im just tired, okay? we actually have 2 more weeks of summer break because our school is getting renovated. and tis still not enough... ugh. im really tired because of my darling's absence. i dont remember when was the last time i hung out with the rainbow, talked with the rainbow, had fun with the rainbow... i dont remember. why are you doing this? for fun? personal reasons, obviously. but i want to know... but i shouldnt pry, its bad. im bad. a bad dog. bad dogs get kicked out of the house, i should behave myself...

i said that im kinda androgynous. because girl clothes wouldnt look good on me, girly stuff wouldnt look good on me. i would love to cosplay but i feel like my face isnt good for a girl either. its not just my appearance though. i noticed that i dont really like being called a "she". like, she? garando? are you referring to me? i love being a girl, because girls have feelings and emotions unlike men. but these days it feels like girls dont have that either. its just a few girls with feelings left now.. were going extinct..! like dinosaurs.. i like those. i have a danny squishmallow plushie anddd shut the fuck up garando. please beat me with a bat... open my back open and pour salt on my spine!!!!! please!!!! im so stupid i always end up talking about something completely unrelated, thats why all of my videos are shit. they dont make sense. tehyre just a mix of my feelings and some bullshit i thought sounded good. sorry. back to the pronouns. i dont want to be called a he either, im not a man. im not one of those people... by the way im really hateful towards men but im not like this online i swear, its just irl. i hate people irl, i ahte boys irl and some men online because theyre weird but those around my age are pretty chill, okay? dont unsub please. anyway... i dont want to be a they either. im not multiple people. im not it either, it sounds off. i dont want to have pronouns at all. i just want everyone to refer to me by garando, no she no hers. just garando. im not telling anyone thought, its weird. what if i get over it the same way i got over being aromantic? i thought i was aromantic.. well, nope, im actually deeply inlove with my best friend but i just dont want to admit it. actually i dont know if im inlove, but my best darling is the only one i truly ever loved. embarrassing...

i actually didn't finish talking about teachers not giving a shit about us. they're forcing us to do social shit liek group projects right? i also wanted to add powerpoints. this one teacher.. my chemistry teacher. i wish she was dead. i really do. ive imagined killing her so many times... I HOPE SHE DIES!!! DEATH ON HER!! DIE!!! DIEDIE DIE DIE IDE DIE!!!!! she keeps having us do essays, powerpoints and fucking group projects EVEN THOUGH SHES TEACHING US LIKE STUFF THAT YOU GOTTA ?? THINK ABOUT??? IDK??? SHE WAS TELLING US ABOUT HOW "NOT EVERYONE IS AS SOCIABLE AS YALL", TALKING ABOUT ME BTW BECAUSE AT THE START OF THE SCHOOL YEAR SHE HAD TO EMBARRASS ME INFRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS BECAUSE NOBODY TOLD ME WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO BECAUSE I WAS ABSENT OR SOMETHING I FORGOT. I ASKED IN THE CLASS GC. I GOT FUCKING GHOSTED. SHE TOLD ONE OF THE GIRLS TO GIVE ME INFO. THAT GIRL FUCKING FORGOT AND DIDNT TELL ME. AND THEN THE TEACHER DID THAT SPEECH INFRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS. IM NEVER FORGIVING HER FOR THAT IHOPE SHE FUCKING DIES I ALSO DIDNT DO A POWERPOINT SHE WANTED FOR CHEMISTRY (chem powerpoint???r ally??? are you serious???? why??????? CHEMISTRY???? POWER. POINT? PRESENTATION? FROM CHEMISTRY? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?) BC SHE DIDNT GIVE US CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS ON WHERE TO SEND IT SO SHE JUST GAVE EVERYONE INLCUINDG ME AN F FOR THAT BC WE DIDNT FUCKING SEND IT AND SAID SHE WOULDNT COUNT IT ANYMORE IF WE SENT IT AFTER THE DUE DATE SO I DIDNT SEND IT BUT TURNS OUT THAT SHE STILL LET SOME PEOPLE TURN IT IN EVEN AFTER SHE SAID THAT??? I HATE HER SO MUCH SHE EITHER OVERREACTS AND GIVES EVERYONE FS, SHE ALSO LOVES MAKING THE WORST GRADE SYSTEM EVER FOR HER TESTS SO I MADE A FUCKING MISTAKE SOMEWHERE AND GOT A FUCKING D OR SOMETHING I DONT KNOW SHE JUST CHANGED THE SYSTEM AND EVERYPONE GOT BAD GRADES BECAUSE OF HER AND SHE DOESNT GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE NOBODY CALLS HER OUT JUST BECAUSE SHES YOUNGER AND "cOOL" I GUESS??? AND A WOMAN?? IDK?? she also has us do essays often. i didnt turn the latest one in because i cant do 2 whole pages about a movie that i slept through that we watched at school. and shes really annoying. her opinions are shit. she said make up is only for women. okay. she thinks fat people shouldnt wear crop tops or something that doesnt fit them. okay. can i kill you? please? please... please... i hope she gets fired atleast. i really hate her. she seems to be passive agressive all the time. she seems like shes mocking eeveryone for not knowing some bull shit from middle school. well how about you do a simple fucking summary of the topic and then test us???? she uses chatgpt really often. a bit too much. she calls chatgpt a "she". shes really braindead. "you can ask chatgpt to make u a test because shes the one who made the upcoming test for yall!" i hope you lose your job. my english teacher also uses chatgpt for worksheets and then just laughs at the dumb chatgpt mistakes. please just look shit up online or look through the text???? shes old enough to think. middle aged woman. i like her but this is like asking your mom to stop watching ai generated vids. which i did earlier today. i think she was ignoring me but oh well. i tried. she said she doesnt like it either and only likes it for the humor but that shit doesnt matter, they couldve added pictures or images or drawn something for the joke. anyways the chem teacher also cant teach, shes really stupid. whenever she comes to class shes always on her phone. and when she goes through presentations for us to like copy down, shes reading the whole fucking thing and has us write way too fucking much imo. also i cant focus on writing shit down BECAUSE THAT DUMB BITCH IS FUCKING TALKING oh and imagine the classroom door also being open. system overload...overload...deathhhhh..... buzzzzzz...... anyways i really hate her if you havent gotten it yet, my dear Kolya!

my lack of sleep... im sleeping on the bus all the time. on the way to school and on the way back. my dad keeps telling me to go to sleep earlier but he doesnt get it. ughhh dad shut up!!! can you believe this man thinks hes better than everyone just because his boss told him that everyone in his workplace sees him as "strict"? bad kind of strict by the way. he doesnt hesitate telling people what he thinks about them and getings into arguments all the time. just recently he was yelling at a client over the phone... well, i cant blame him... that guy owed him money. some people really like doing this to dad for some reason. so then my dads mad for the rest of the day, comes back home mad and yells at everyone else and then hes mad at me for not leaving my room and greeting him. hes completely deaf to anything i say though, no use in telling him something i already said so many times. and the next morning hes laughing with my mom about some video he saw. and then mom goes to me to complain and call my dad an idiot... unng.

wanna know what's "bleurist"? i came up with a really cool name a while ago. bleu=blue, rist=wrist. we've got blue veins in our arms, therefore blue wrists. i also just liked the "ist" because its usually tied to bad labels like nihilist, narcissist, something-ist. there's also redrist. pretty cool eh?
third day that i'm writing here btw and i still haven't updated the damn site. im starting to hesitate because i said some weird shit in this entry. anyway i have more shit to talk about. apparently the chem group project wasnt enough so my chem teacher decided to have us do another one from the other subject she has us for. this time im teamed up with another introverted nerd, but he still has it better. he can talk to his classmates. his classmates talk to him, they know he exists unlike me. if i was absent at school, nobody would notice. anyway im with him and the third girl in our class. which makes it bad. i was ok with the nerd bc i have a huge chance of getting along with him (if i wasnt so asocial wed prob be friends. i really hated him for the first half of the year tho and complained ab him all the time. sorry patrick boy) but that cunt??? shes the worst out of the 3 girls in my class. shes like a class leader, everyone talks to her and she sticks around males more than the otehr 2 girls. the first 2 girls are literally glued to eachother. i only try talking to one of them but holy shit the other one??? i hope she drops out next year or something. were slowly getting to the other stuff i wanted to talk about... so, theres the one i talk to and the other one is like. one of the ukrainians who escaped. look i feel bad yeah, im literally ukrainian myself, but i really fucking hate her. shes so fucking judgemental?? the way she wears her make up makes her look like a fucking bitch and she also is the one who makes the most noise out of them two. like. shut the fuck up?? those two disrupt the class SO often i really want them dead. tehy dont do it as often as at the start of the year but they still do it and its annoying. i learnt to ignore it but you know, its that kind of ear piercing laughter that gets to your head. i cant block the noise out well because they just pmo and GOD IM JUST REPEATING MYSELF!!! but i really do hate them. whenever there are group projects or were forced to socialize i always wait until the last moment until im forced to be with them. otherwise im just not moving out of my desk and hoping that i can do the work alone. oh that wasnt even the thing i wanted to talk about... today (13th) in english (btw english here is like a second language taught in schools like french in america or something) we were being forced to socialize. basically i was with those two and all of us got papers with questions in english were supposed to ask the other person. and dude. theyre both SO FUCKING STUPID!!!! everyone here is fucking stupid!!!! theyre either completely shit at english or think they know everything. just how are you able to live without english? all of these people are so damn boring. yeah im the one to talk, shut the fuck up! imagine being in the first year of HIGH SCHOOL and not knowing how to pronounce "find" or "wrote" or dont even know what some basic words mean. i understand if its the third language, which would be german, but this is fucking english. english is taught from SECOND GRADE just HOW STUPID ARE YOU TO STILL NOT UNDERSTAND FUCKING SHIT were all so doomed, smart people with functioning brains died a long time ago. anyway so im asking the girl i prefer a question and she like goes quiet for a while. and then she asks me if the question means this and that. like yeah but why are you relying on me now? thats still fine okay. the other cunt on the other hand. she doesnt even look me in the eye and when she does i just feel like shes grossed out by me and was already getting ready to shit talk me later with her cute little bitch shes touching all the time. anyway she just answered with one or two words like barely talking, not even trying and she also immediately turned her head to the bitch beside her and ASK HER???? HOLY SHIT? THATS THE WORST PERSON TO FUCKING ASK YOU DUMB FUCKING CUNT, THAT GIRL'S ENGLISH GRADES ARE FUCKING EMBARRASSING! oh ohhh yes yesss! im making fun of them. because i feel like it. i am aware that my english is shit aswell, but i just need to poke fun at people like this. btw these two don't even want to study comp science, they just came here for the fuck of it lol. they arent even interested in this stuff. why even bother?? 3/4 of the class doesnt want to study comp science. guess the schools in czechia are really shit now. also one more thing, the girl i prefer out of the pair, she said something about "wanting school to be over already".. ... oh HOW DARE you? you have everything in your fucking life, priviledged cunt. you have your girlfriend beside you 24/7 AND YOU DARE FEEL TIRED OF SCHOOL? OOH HOW DARE YOU!!! PRIVILEDGED CUNT!!! BOTH OF YOU ARE PRIVILEDGED CUNTS!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE YOUR BITCH, I DONT! YOU DONT DESERVE TO FEEL SICK OF SCHOOL YOU DONT DESERVE TO FEEL ANYTHING YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY ABOUT YOUR BORING FUCKASS LIFE!!! im just mad. i really hope this is over soon. this better be the last time. last fucking time, you heard me? i want to spend time with you. i dont want to chase you around like a dumb fucking dog, but i have no choice do i?

im such a bitch, i literally deleted a post just because it didnt get a single comment in 5 hours. i guess nobody likes my visions unless theyre finished pieces then. so that was the last time i ever did that. no more wips, fuck all of you. just kidding. let's all have group sex. i'm only accepting ladies in my harem. ... i want to apologize to the rainbow for every single remotely weird thing i ever did. but its no use anyway. im so fucking sick of waiting. it feels like im in a waiting state every day so im not doing much and feel like i can do more right but when i actually try doing something i realize that i have nothing to do, im boring, my life is worthless, i havent done anything good at all and i just fucking hate everything. i've got "passionless" in my user for a reason. anyway im working on an anim for toyas bday but i dont even know if ill be able to finish it. i already lost motivation, sigh... i didnt even finish sketching it all out and ive got less than 2 weeks left. i really need to get hit by a metal pipe. also ive been working on my desktop lately... i completely remade it. i made it MOE!!!! moe kyun..! its not done yet but most of the stuff is done. also im working on vbs 4koma rainmeter skin packages but idk if ill actually share it ahahaha... im a really bad gatekeeper... it didnt feel good when someone randomly made my art their pfp and spam liked my posts on insta last year. it lasted just a few days so thank god, but i still didnt like it because they didnt ask beforehand. i just cant imagine seeing my stuff being used by other people. it feels weird to imagine and i just feel like its wrong. im also scared that it will get reuploaded everywhere and i wont get credit for anything. thats why im also hesitating making the toya ukagaka. sorry i guess! im just possessive of the things i made or own. i still havent gotten over the fact that i thrw away my old diary and some drawings probably too. and i also forgot my sketchbook in 6th grade once in my desk and somebody fucking stole it. like what the fuck bruh who needs a 12 year olds ugly ass drawings? atleast now i wouldnt do this. these situations are important. i believe that some things had to happen in order for us to learn from our mistakes and gain experience. by the way im really fucking pissed that nobodys interested in the toya bday stream in my server. i cant expect this from people, but its still upsetting. its such an important event and barely anyone voted. okay guys i get it i should cut my stomach open and start tearing out my ribs one by one. i get it. i really do feel hated. its my fault aswell, because im just getting parasocial. what the fuck am i supposed to do? i cant get any friends. i mustnt get any friends. but i cant just wait for the rainbow to stop disappearing.
https://on.soundcloud.com/pwQfisdAUKvGd1dPct
if my darling sees this then i would really appreciate if you talked to me. if you didnt like what i wrote about you then forget everything you read but please just dont block or unfriend me. i wont be able to take it. im already not taking it well since you seem to really despise me for some reason that you're not telling me.

Pochatoya is very important to me. I bought him last year on aliexpress and nearly thought i wouldn't get him because the seller wouldn't ship him for like... a month? i think? I felt bad because I really wanted atleast one Toya nui. In the end he got shipped! I was so happy. I finally received him on April 4th... yes.. yes i will mention the exact date... i don't care that you don't care... it's Pochatoya's birthday... !!!! AH! POCHATOYA'S BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP SOON!!!!! hope april is going to be good... right???? rgiht? right?right? right? right? better than december atleast. sorry, got off topic. Pochatoya... oh i love you so much... I bring him EVERYWHERE! he's literally next to me right now, sitting in his red car that belongs to a firefighter smurf toy... hehe, he sits in it everyday when i'm home, which is most of the time since i don't go outside. he's like... beside my laptop, yeah. oh i should mention that my pochacco toya nui is actually a bootleg.theres no way i got something official from aliexpress like pjsk merch. he's gotten dirty over the time because i bring him to school. he's in my sweatshirt's pocket, but the pocket's insides are fluffy and there are some bits left on Pochatoya from the fluff. its sage green on top of that, so it kinda looks like dirt. notice how i was capitalizing my words like a nice human being in the first 2 sentences and then gave up. i like writing because lowkey, im just talking to myself. that i sometimes drop really fucking long community posts on yt, thank god i stopped, right? whenever i write it just feels so good because im letting my thoughts out the moment they come. uh... not the best verb but whatever. haha come. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGENOCIDE GENOCIDE GENOCIDE hey! THAT'S BAD DON't SAY THAT!!!!!!! Back to Pochatoya... his bangs are. split. like the fabric or whatever the fuck the glue evaporated or somethi idk WHY IS IT NOT STICKING TOGETHER ?!?!?! what do people expect us to do with nuis anyway? put them on a shelf and admire them??? NO!!!! ILL HAVE EVERY SINGLE PLUSHIE I OWN IN MY BED DESPITE MY ALLERGIES TO DUST!!!! YEAH!!! whateve, umm... i washed Pochatoya TWICE. he already looekd worn after the first wash oh gosh. i suggest you nui owners that you dont get ur nui too dirty and try not washing them too often. i guess they really were made for the shelves...ok... wait no they're keychains bc they have the... oh im sooooo STUPID! i'm actually writing this at 1 am on a school night, forgive me. 2 classes out of 7 got cancelled for tmr!!!! yay!!! 4 hours of sleep!!! yay!!! and it's only my fault!!! yay!!!! hey sooo um the entry title is "Pochatoya" so why aren't you talking about Pochatoya??? ANOTHER THING FOR NUI OWNERS!!!! bring your nui around a bit moreeee,, don't you feel bad? my Pochatoya spends time with me when i'm on my laptop, he goes to school with me and he also goes to bed with me. and also goes out with me whenever i hang out with friends from middle school!!! or maybe don't idk ahhhahhhs shut up garando